To Live is to Play

We come into this life with a few inborn skills—to Breathe, to Smile, to Love, to Laugh, and to Play.

Robert Fulgum once said, “All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.”

Well, when I was in kindergarten, at home my playground was a bloody battlefield. Instead of playing Princess Tea Time, House, and Dress-Up, I played GI Jane, fleeing flying shrapnel while taking refuge in my sandbox of foxholes and trenches. I got to play real-life Cops and Robbers, Keep Away, and Hide and Go Seek. Life was an ongoing game of 52-Card Pickup and everywhere was Hot Lava, Hot Potatoes, and Dodgeball. BTW, you really need to watch this video:

Then God finally said, “Olly Olly Oxen Free!”

But still it just didn’t feel safe to come out of hiding. The war was over, but carnage everywhere, nowhere to call home, now a refugee. How does one find sanctuary from the war-torn country of one’s mind? God gave me an education, a job, friends I could call family, and eventually restoration of relationships with my family. But the PTSD.

War makes it hard to go back to ‘normal life’. Veteran Eddie Ray Routh was tormented with mental illness the day he shot American Sniper Chris Kyle. A whopping 17% of the homeless population are veterans and 96% of homeless veterans come from poor, disadvantaged communities. Both war abroad and war at home veterans. Double whammy.

At one point in our sojourn through life the terror of war raped us of the innocence and joy of play.

Although innocence can never be recovered, is it possible for a human to return to the joy of play equal to that of a child or greater?

I remembered when I was a child the excitement of going to Riverside, present-day Six Flags New England. I made a chart in pencil on an index card and crossed off every day, anticipating the Saturday we would go. I was devastated when it rained and our trip had to be postponed for another week.

I remember being filled with anticipation Christmas morning, bolting down the stairs, beholding the glory of tightly-wrapped presents under the tree with my name and only my name on them that were clearly not there the night before.

I remember the peace and joy of waking up in the family tent, smelling fresh pinewood, campfire, and coconut sunscreen, knowing the day would be filled with beachside fun, clamming, tide-pool exploring, and smore-making.

I remember Sunday afternoon walks around Elizabeth Park, holding my chocolates Dad gave me and savoring each one for every step of the way, walking up and down the rose garden.

I remember Asher, our sweet-spirited cocker spaniel, with his wagging stub of a tail and happy smile with drool spilling out of his mouth, taking a drive over the hills of Simsbury, where the now Hartford Temple will be dedicated this fall.

What happened to the anticipation, excitement, joy, peace, and pleasure that came so easily and freely to my human heart and how do I get it back?

Dad says I started to lose my joy at 5 years old.

Recently I took a group ziplining through the picturesque Rocky Mountains of Heber, Utah. The weather was perfect and there was no obvious reason for any kind of sullenness from the three beautiful triplet Puerto Rican preteen boys. I could see that something had stolen their joy. It was unnatural for all three of these boys to be so depressed so young. I wanted to look into their eyes and tell them it was safe to come out and play and enjoy, but I knew that it was not safe. They would go back to war as soon as they went back home. Must keep armor on.

“Amy, you look so sad. Smile!” “Amy, you must be depressed, smile!” “Amy, you’re so shy.” “Amy is reserved.” “Amy doesn’t like to talk very much.” “Be happy!” “Amy, do this.” “Amy, do that.”

“Amy, I don’t know if I’ll be able to let you into the choir. You’re not very expressive.” “Amy, you’re so quiet, I can’t hear you. You need to project more.” “Your voice is so monotone.” “Your face is like THIS: (dead stare)” “I didn’t want to be friends with you in high school; I thought you were so boring.”

Apparently I died way before my body died. Humans’ feeble attempts to revive me by telling me to smile, shaming me for being quiet and withdrawn, forcing me into self-expression, and other such behaviors felt like beating the dead horse, which was me. Only the love of God Almighty could reach into my soul and infuse the light of life back into me.

Singing was the first portal for my spirit to create life within me again. Then in high school I fell madly in love with a boy that made me laugh and so humor became access to my joy. In college, I took up acting, running, dancing. Then I found joy in learning Spanish, speaking, teaching, writing, and studying.

But it all felt like work. Work, work, work.

When I sang, it was work. “Amy, you’re pushing too hard. It sounds strained. Let go and free up your voice.”

First Voice Recital

When I danced, it was work. “Amy, you’re trying too hard. Just have fun and the you’ll remember the steps.”

First Dance Performance

When I acted, it was work. “Amy, you look so serious. Use more facial expressions.”

First Play

Everything I did was effortful, trying, push, shove, hard, stress, exhaustion, not good enough, needs

to be better. Flawless. Perfect. Perfection.

Even when I was trying to play, I was trying to play and it was work and it was hard.

“God, please show me how to simply play again?”

Years of perfect--trying to be perfect, anyway.

Then one day, out of the blue, the answer just came.

I was talking to a friend on the phone and I came to the understanding that it was my responsibility to choose play. I told her that I was committed to do something fun—fun for ME—every day, every day, every day. I wasn’t going to do anything to please anyone else or making anyone else happy. I wasn’t going to be happy for anyone else or smile for anyone else. But I was going to do something that I considered fun every day.

The next day I woke up, got in my car, and determined to find a trail to hike. I drove a very long, long time and found a hidden cul de sac with a hidden trail in Deer Valley. I started hiking and not before long I nearly ran into a mother moose and a baby moose! How fun was that!!?

The following days I went to a live band karaoke, country dancing several times, birthday parties, played a guitar, went hiking three times in two days, went swimming with friends. Then suddenly I received an email from a Destination Management Company in Park City asking me to work as a contractor, resulting in total joy and satisfaction in employment for the first time in my life, earning more than I have ever earned, doing what I love, which is planning and executing special events. Now I take corporate groups rafting, ziplining, painting, horseback riding, and golfing—having fun every day, every day, every day.

Spontaneously I thereafter attracted several men that I would have previously thought were totally out of my league. The angel voices in my head said, “Why NOT you? Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be!? You are a child of God. You’re smart, you’re fun, you’re worthy of someone amazing TOO!”  I woke up and realized I’ve been worthy all along; they’ve simply been waiting for me to come out and play.

The clouds have lifted and it is as if I am living instead of surviving for the first time in my life. I now see so many people living in survival mode with tired and sullen eyes, focused on war, terror, famine, and darkness and then I’ve discovered this whole other race of humans that are bright with light and joy that heal the world with love because they choose light, joy, and love every day, every day, every day, every day.

Kevin Trudeau said that the most important thing you can do is to “feel good now.” Play is a choice and  over time play instead of work can become an ‘unconscious competence’ as an adult.

Thomas Edison once said, “I never worked a day in my life. It was all fun.”

As for me, if I must choose between survival and death, I choose death, because survival is death of the spirit anyway. I want to live.

My mentor, Gary Acevedo, taught me, “To live is to play.”

I fell in love with Michael Jackson's personal favorite song "Smile" on Hope Floats, a telling tale of his own struggles:

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by if you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

The Curiosity Driven Life, the Flight of the Hummingbird

Over the past ten years, I've been a wilderness guide, actress, event planner, receptionist, musician, accountant, babysitter, gate agent, social worker. I've lived in Idaho, Arizona, Washington, DC, California, Utah, and I moved back and forth from those places several times. I noticed that I was almost following a migratory path. Worrisome. In the past two years I have been interested in 51 men--a pilot, a comedian, a millionaire, a mountain climber, a celebrity, a world traveler, a politician, a techie, a lawyer, a doctor--you know who you are.

At first, I relished and took pride in my exciting life of variety and adventure.

Role Player for National Guard Training

Martha in first production of Savior of the World, DC

"Flying" a commercial plane after landing

Chance meeting in San Antonio with Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, set is in the background

Baptism of Juana Martinez, healed of diabetes-induced blindness, believes in miracles, loves the Savior

Then I noticed my resume started looking a little choppy. I started to get worried. Would I be able to find a job? Am I doing something wrong here?

Excitement and pride turned into shame and embarrassment. I started to believe the voice in my head telling me I needed to "buckle down" and pick something, somewhere--SOMEBODY. Yet another voice, deeper down, continued to call me forth from here to there, from this thing to that thing, from this person to that person, back to that place again, back to that thing again, back to that person again--incessantly--CONSTANTLY--creating a state of continuous "chaos" in my life. Or so it seemed...

My one constant complaint for the last year of my life has been, "God, why did you MAKE ME like this!??" I felt so misunderstood. So completely. Totally. Alone.

"He hears my soul's complaint." (Where Can I Turn for Peace)

Could I not have some kind of peace of mind? Could I not just be like everyone else and "fit in" just even if only for the very sake of being able to make a living so that I didn't have to be scraping the bottom of the barrel all the time and hiding in shame and embarrassment?

Trust me, I've tried to be "normal", to avoid the social stigma of what I feel like others see as 'gypsy life', but "normal" has resulted in starting something, 'sticking with it', growing to HATE IT, my LIFE, mySELF, the PEOPLE IN MY LIFE--to the point that I quit or they quit me because I'm so miserable.

And then I watched Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love on SuperSoul TV, her talk called Flight of the Hummingbird--The Curiosity Driven Life. Watch the full talk on SuperSoul.tv: http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/elizabeth-gilbert-flight-hummingbird-curiosity

At last--I discovered that I was not the only person on the planet that had a clue how me works. What is interesting about this is that while I wish I would have found this years and years ago, I needed to walk this journey in accepting myself and my nature before I found any kind of validation. Recently I finally came to not worry about what other people's judgment of my life choices. It's as if I needed to complete that part of my journey before I received into my life others that understand and accept me the way I am, even if only through my computer screen.

I don't have a passion. I don't have one thing that rocks my world. I love everything. I love life itself and the great adventure that it is. I'm sorry, but I just can't pigeon-hole myself into the passion box you created for me, American specialist culture, and when you say I have to fit into it or else and that if I don't, I won't "make it" in life or in a "career", hear me when I say I don't WANT a "career" and I'm "making it" just FINE without your artificial measures of success!! That doesn't work to guilt-trip me like that, passion bullies. My "why" is just as good of a reason as yours is to have a passion. Cross-pollination. 

After 10 years of despair, frankly, I find solace in truly being validated for the first time ever for WHO I AM, HOW I LIVE MY LIFE, and HOW GOD MADE ME. I've been waiting for God to tell me to "buckle down" or to "commit" like everyone else and that never happened. Now I know why that's never going to happen. Because He made me like this for his purposes!! I never felt any guilt about my choices because I always felt directed by my Creator. I only felt guilt and pressure from society. I have always felt guided to every person, place, and duty in my life and that is all that has ever mattered to me. I've gone where He's wanted me to go and that's all I need to know.

I'm sorry if I sound defensive, but I defend the life God has given me from all of the Judgy McJudgersons that have wanted to tear me down and make me feel like there's something wrong with me throughout my life. I've had enough!! This is my fight song, take back my life song:

I'M PROUD TO LIVE THE CURIOSITY DRIVEN LIFE, THE FLIGHT OF THE HUMMINGBIRD. I'm proud to call myself a disciple of Christ.

"It may not be on the mountain’s height,
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go.

I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what You want me to be.

Perhaps today there are loving words
Which Jesus would have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin,
Some wand’rer whom I should seek;
O Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide,
Though dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo Thy message sweet,
I’ll say what You want me to say.

There’s surely somewhere a lowly place,
In earth’s harvest fields so white,
Where I may labor through life’s short day,
For Jesus the Crucified;
So trusting my all to Thy tender care,
And knowing Thou lovest me,
I’ll do Thy will with a heart sincere,
I’ll be what You want me to be."

May my other hummingbird friends find validation, strength, and courage to continue in their flight; I fly with you.

Gypsy Life and Attachment

At some point I lost heart. 

At some point I gave up.

My heart aches for all the men that I have loved. 

My heart aches for all the places I have loved. 

I once deeply valued my ability to so casually cut off any kind of attachment I had to anything. After one last and final heartbreak in 2008, I decided that I was no longer going to be the rejected, but that I was going to be the rejector. I would no longer get left behind, but I would be the leaver. And then I became a gypsy, wandering to and fro, from this guy to that guy, from this job to that job, from this apartment to that apartment, from this side of the country to that side of the country.

I now face the cost.

I have adored and idolized the free spirit and adventurer. And now I tell the sad tale of a lonely soul that has no attachment to anything or anyone. I've moved three times a year, dated three men a year, and had about three jobs a year for the last eight years. My belongings are now in storage, I am single, and I am unemployed.

Truly Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, had it right years ago when he warned about the dangers of perpetually keeping all options open. "Clearly the cumulative opportunity cost of adding options to one’s choice set can reduce satisfaction. It may even make a person miserable.” I unfortunately have been the epitome of a "maximizer". “If you seek and accept only the best, you are a maximizer...The alternative to maximizing is to be a satisficer. To satisfice is to settle for something that is good enough and not worry about the possibility that there might be something better." Oh how I wish I would have learned the art of being a satisficer long, long ago.

And yet my lifestyle has not been so much a result of indecision as it has been a result of playing out my divine nature. I have no explanation as to why God created my brain and my body in such a way that I simply find it endlessly exhilarating to meet new people, see new things, and go new places.

Perhaps I am looking for home.

Like Moroni of the Book of Mormon, who wandered 20 years in the wilderness alone, I've found home in God. Truly the Holy Ghost, or the Spirit of God, has been my one and only constant comfort and companion since I left home as a teenager, some 14 years ago.

Today I am taking my life back. I want to live and I want to try again.

I no longer want to live life without attachment.

There is something I have so deeply misunderstood about Buddhist philosophy and stoicism.

I deeply, more than anything, want to remain attached to people, places, and things. I want to take everything with me when I die. I want to take the sunshine and the sunflowers, the rain and the rainbows. I want the beaches and the best friends, the shared ice cream and shared memories. I want the love and the laughter, the pain and the pleasure. I want it all. With me. Forever.

Somewhere in there I disassociated myself from the grief of it all--the grief of mortal experience--and thus dissociated from all joy. I just couldn't take it anymore. I know God understands why I gave up, loves me, and doesn't condemn me. I physically and emotionally dissasociated myself from pain with distance and time. Embracing and idealizing adventure and thrill-seeking, I numbed myself to the satisfaction of everyday life because everyday life included all of the yucky things about life. Like a drug, I was always on the move--tragically the reality was that I was always in survival, taking uncalculated risks and laughing in the face of danger and finding myself again falling on my face.

I originally titled my blog "Gypsy Tales", but I quickly realized that I no longer wanted to write any more gypsy tales to my life. I don't condone complacency and rigid societal values that chain down ingenuity, creativity, and freedom. Yet I see now that my free spirit will never be free in survival. My wings will always be clipped as long as I am unable maintain financial security, stable work, reliable housing, and consistent relationships that feed my soul. Likely that the all-American entrepreneur fails four out of five times because creating something new out of scarcity is believing that miracles will replace hard work and wisdom gained through experience.

At some point I became a realist when reality became stronger than my dreams. I believe in miracles and I believe in God. But I know that I will eat by the sweat of my brow and it's going to be hard and I'm going to fail. A lot. The miracle I'm seeking now is not that God is going to do it for me, but that he will give me the strength to get up again and again and the wisdom to know when to quit--the wisdom to know when to give up and try something else.

And then the wisdom to know when to "hang in there" and hold on to people, places, and things. It's not his "will" that I have to give up everything all the time and making sacrifice more important than love. Love is attachment. Love is desire. Love is wanting. I have shamed myself for so many years for wanting what I want and now I declare what I want and I declare the desires of my heart! I want to love! I want to be loved! I want home! I want stability! I want adventure! I want freedom! I want attachment! I am gloriously attached to life itself and I am ready to embrace a new way of life that includes words of permanence like 'always' and 'never' and 'forever' and 'never' and 'I love you' and 'eternal'.

I want to acknowledge my friend Sam, my mentor Gary Acevedo, my friends at Landmark, my friend Adora, my literary friends Barry Schwartz and Lori Gottlieb, and my best friend Heavenly Father for leading me to this pivotal point in my life at which I intend to turn my life around and allow myself to embrace love and all that it means and all the things Heavenly Father wants for me in my life.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Big Fish and Bucket Lists

If you follow my blog, you may have noticed that I am an art critic. I love great music and film. This past weekend I went to see Big Fish the musical at the Hale Theater in Salt Lake City for my birthday. It was delightful, with inflatable elephants dancing out of the entrance ways and a river running through the stage. The music was surprisingly entertaining and inspiring and enhanced the already magical journey of a father and son to redemption and reconciliation.

I have adored the movie Big Fish for about eight years. I think it is Tim Burton's best and most underrated work. It's like Tim Burton is one of my few kindred souls. I am mesmerized by the interweaving Odyssean mythical adventures of Edward Bloom, the restless and ridiculous gypsy soul traveling through life as a hero saving damsels in distress, experiencing the fullness of life, and making the biggest contribution possible in his big, wide world.

http://www.ecanadanow.com/pet-goldfish-growing-to-massive-sizes-in-canadian-waterways/95132/

"Kept in a small bowl, the goldfish will remain small with more space the fish will grow double, triple, or quadruple its size." Such describes Edward Bloom.

A week ago I attended a seminar by Gary Acevedo that has impacted me in a way that takes my Landmark Forum experience to an entirely new level. I discovered that I am what I love and that I love what I am. I am my favorite books, movies, and music. I am my greatest heroes: Joe March from Little Women, Alanis Morisette, Mindy Gledhill, Edward Bloom, Chris Nielsen from What Dreams May Come, Terry Warner of the Arbinger Institute, author Taylor Hartman, President Dieter Uchtdorf, Elder Jeffrey Holland, Enos, Esther, Ruth, Pahoran, Paul, and Jesus Christ.
(See https://www.riseleadershipgroup.com/ for more information.)  

There's just something about Edward Bloom that speaks to my highest self. I've discovered that I'm willing to get up and go wherever I feel that I am needed. I've received direct and indirect messages from others that I'm irresponsible, uncommitted, selfish, fearful, or running away from life. "I'll come back when I'm supposed to."

I've had a perpetual fascination with Ewan McGregor's characters Edward Bloom and Christian in Moulin Rouge because he plays the foolhardy, lovestruck adventurer seeking his quest with reckless abandon. Perhaps there is something I love about Edward Bloom that I love about myself.

"Here in the real world, you ain't got squat. You were a big fish in a small pond, but this here is the ocean and you're drowning."

If I would have listened to that nonsense, I would have been a goner years ago. 

But God gave me a grit that got me to sing a solo for 2,000 people in a jazz choir in high school after being told that I barely made it into the choir, write and direct a high school play, attend BYU-Idaho after being rejected from all colleges I applied to including BYU-Idaho, run the first Salt Lake Marathon in 2004 despite debilitating depression, travel to Tanzania and the island of Zanzibar as a young adult, win a cupcake eating contest at an area church activity, write my own music and perform for hundreds of people, take five cross-country trips by myself, trek across the Arizonan desert 15 miles every week for six months, survive Washington, DC, traffic and cost of living twice, costar in an episode of a popular television show, learn Spanish and serve a mission for a year and a half, and move across the country six times in eight years. I've had conversations with the photographer for the Miss America Pageant, an intimate lunch date with Elder David Bednar and Susan Bednar, and I'm friends with talented musicians, motivational speakers, and artists from all around the country.

Choir

Drama Club

Salt Lake City Marathon

Massai in Tanzania

Missionary Work

Holi Festival

Canyoneering 

Humanitarian trip in Peru

Skydiving

I am astounded by the amazing life God has given me and I admit that I have many flaws and I am a mess-making machine. I am just like anyone else. I don't share any of this to brag, but to inspire others to live an Edward Bloomian life. It's not just a fantasy or a mythological tale. It has been my life and my reality since I was a child. I've been functioning on rotating bucket lists for ten years now and my bucket lists are now evolving from do-before-you-die fun times to make-a-difference items like helping out in a natural disaster, starting a coaching business, performing in a band and in a musical, getting married and raising children, sharing my message with the world, and causing the miraculous in others' lives. I am now in the world of making a difference for others and who knows what other surprises will be available to me that I haven't even planned yet? 

Besides the fantastical nature of the film, I am the most awed by the story of the father and the son. The greatest story of all, of which I hope to fully partake, is the reconciliation and redemption of an angry and bitter son with his father, resulting in a deep appreciation for him and all that he meant to him in his life. 

In the words of Gary Acevedo, "This is the love that can break your heart this much. This is the gift of life." 

Who will be there at the end of the great adventure of your life? Whose lives will you touch?

And Then I Went to the Advanced Course of the Landmark Forum!

I thought that I’d reached enlightenment and I had figured life out. Wrong!

This weekend I attended the Advanced Course of the Landmark Forum. Yet again I am blown away by how much I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I realized that there is no such thing as “having arrived” and that there will always be a new world of transformation just beyond what I know or think is possible.

Before the Advanced Course, I thought that I was a decent leader and that I had an influence on people in my life. I thought that I was a nice person. I felt like I was a good daughter, sister, friend, member of the Church, American, and human being.

In reality, apparently I was wrought with a wretched need for admiration. I tried to make it with some people and while I survived other people. I felt uncomfortable with people and avoided eye contact with those for whom I felt disgust, while terrified of looking into the eyes of those that could reject me and turn away from me. I was not able to simply be with people.

I became aware that I was powerless at the level of group—whether it be relationship, group, organization, society, nation, or world. I was incapable of leading with love because in actuality I really didn’t like people. I was reasonable, justified, right, angry, lonely, smart, better, safe, comfortable, cynical, and resigned. I wasn’t concerned about making a difference—not really—and was lukewarm and mediocre.

Right before I headed to the Advanced Course, I had a major breakdown. I had to face the fact that I did not have a deep respect and reverence for my word. I let people in my life down in a big way and I knew what I had done.

At the second course, I learned how to use my word to live a life powerfully and a life that I love. I stand for love, family, community, peace, joy, happiness, and connection. I teleported from the world of the ordinary to the world of possibility through committed action as dictated by my word. I am the creator of my life and my life is, indeed, the people in my life. I now see that self is other and at the group level of world. If you suffer, I suffer. If you are happy, I am happy.

The results I see in my life now are the miracles I see happening in the lives for whom I make a difference and they are beyond anything I ever imagined possible. I am not attached to perfection and I am vulnerable to living from time to time again in the world of the ordinary, but I am consistently enlivened and fulfilled.

I am now enrolled in the Self-Expression and Leadership course, which will take place over a six-month period and will begin in December. I am committed to developing a curriculum and tools for classes in health, wholeness, healing, relationships, and personal development using textbooks like Remembering Wholeness, The Color Code, The Five Love Languages, The Anatomy of Peace, Bonds That Make Us Free, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and other books that have made an impact in my life.

I am visiting my brother in Austin, TX, after four years of not talking, I am making a personal history of my mother and father’s lives, I am helping my mother to learn how to share the gospel in her community, and I am seeking other opportunities to plan events and offer personal organizing and childcare services. I find myself hurling into the space of possibility at a velocity I have never known and I am now equipped to handle breakdowns, disappointments, and failures in a way that makes me unstoppable.

And Then I Went to the Landmark Forum

There are a few experiences in my life that I can truly say have changed my life forever. In March of this year my boyfriend at the time introduced me to the Landmark Forum. I trusted him and valued his recommendations, it sounded really interesting, and I was willing to try anything to escape the darkness and ignorance that was keeping me in a very miserable place in my mind and heart. Unfortunately, I felt very strongly like I needed to move to Utah and start over. I canceled my registration and made the move.

A few months later I signed up again for the Landmark Forum in Salt Lake City. I was warned that I would undergo a transformation unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. I thought, “I’m sure I’ll be inspired and learn a lot, but I already know this stuff, so I doubt it will be that impactful.” I watched a few videos on YouTube and I was a little nervous because people were talking about the program like it was a cult. All I had was my boyfriend’s word that it wasn’t a cult and that it was worth everything I put into it. I had no idea what was about to happen to me and my life. I found myself apprehensive as I walked in the door for my first day at the Landmark Forum.

As a result of my participation in the Landmark Forum, I discovered a new realm of possibility and made a clearing space for a new life. I transformed.

Once I perceived myself to be “broken” and finally shortly before I took the Landmark Forum, I felt like I was beyond repair. I felt so hopeless about myself and my ability to change myself or my circumstances that I almost gave up several times. I didn’t know that I had a choice. Everything meant something and it all meant that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not worthy of love. For years I lived in a world of self-deprecation, self-sabotage, and self-loathing. “Amy, you’re too hard on yourself.” “Amy, why are you not more confident?” I couldn’t answer anyone’s questions, I didn’t understand myself, and I didn’t know what to do.

I made up stories about who I thought that I am and I lived into a future that was based on the past. I hated my life and I was starting to hate life itself. I perceived my failures and experiences in this life to be of no value to me and a sentence and a stumbling block, rather than a doorway and a stepping stone to my mission here on Earth. I lived as a cartoon character and behaved in a consistent way to survive and I played that character in every episode of my life and I played out my stories the same every time like clockwork or a bad soap opera. I played my strong suits to win the game and then punished myself when I lost the game. I was stuck and it looked like there was no way out.

Yet I didn’t know these things about myself before I went to the Landmark Forum. I was totally in a blind spot to myself and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know that I am powerful beyond measure and that I am an infinite possibility to create anything and everything I desire. I was unaware that I was trapped by myself and there was no one and nothing holding me back except for my own mind.

I now find myself free, truly freed by truth. I have a meaningless life now, but not in the way that I had once thought. I am no longer bound by any meaning that anyone, including myself, has assigned to anything that has happened in my life. I am riding on a new bicycle with training wheels that is story-less and character-less. I love my new canvass and I can paint with whatever colors and images of the past, but I am not bound to do so. I can play the games that I create and I can find freedom in detachment from winning and have FUN playing for the sake of playing.

On Love and Marriage

So much has already been said that it is easy to feel lost in a sea of information.

 "2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
 3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
 4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
 5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
 6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
 7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth."

--2 Timothy 3

We're already all feeling overwhelmed by how many things we have to do and be in order to achieve marital bliss (or marital anything, for that matter). Sometimes it seems easier to just throw in the towel and give up on the whole thing.

I don't believe that it's that complicated.

I voraciously consume the world's best books on relationships and marriage. In conjunction with case studies, personal experience, and research, I have concluded that happy and healthy marriages can be attributed and boiled down to four key elements:

1) Living the Gospel of Jesus Christ

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." 

--The Family: A Proclamation to the World

2) Fundamental Personality Compatibility

There are many resources to discover your personality and the personality of your significant other:

The Color Code
Four Temperaments
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Five Love Languages
StrengthsFinder
Emotional Fingerprint

3) Mutual Love

There are four types of love:

Agápe: brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God
Éros: love, mostly of the sexual passion
Philía: affectionate regard, friendship
Storgē: love, affection, especially of parents and children

 Marriage is most enjoyable when all forms of this love are present.

4) Common Interests, Goals, and Mission

Do you like the same things? Are you working toward the same goals? Do you share a common purpose and vision? Do you want to accomplish the same things in life? If you are working toward the same things, as time passes, you will grow together and not apart.

When bogged down with so many opinions and so much information, I always find myself returning to these basic principles. 

The last three elements are largely determined in the selection process, which is why selecting a mate may be the most important choice you will ever make. However the most important element of the four elements is living the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The reason why this is so important is because if you can make a good selection of a life partner, the glue that will hold it together will be adherence to true principles that Christ taught and the foundation upon which it will stand will be the love of Christ. With all four elements in place, there is a much higher likelihood that a marriage will endure the test of time and trial and that meanwhile it will be fulfilling, joyous, enriching, and glorious.