And Then I Went to the Landmark Forum

There are a few experiences in my life that I can truly say have changed my life forever. In March of this year my boyfriend at the time introduced me to the Landmark Forum. I trusted him and valued his recommendations, it sounded really interesting, and I was willing to try anything to escape the darkness and ignorance that was keeping me in a very miserable place in my mind and heart. Unfortunately, I felt very strongly like I needed to move to Utah and start over. I canceled my registration and made the move.

A few months later I signed up again for the Landmark Forum in Salt Lake City. I was warned that I would undergo a transformation unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. I thought, “I’m sure I’ll be inspired and learn a lot, but I already know this stuff, so I doubt it will be that impactful.” I watched a few videos on YouTube and I was a little nervous because people were talking about the program like it was a cult. All I had was my boyfriend’s word that it wasn’t a cult and that it was worth everything I put into it. I had no idea what was about to happen to me and my life. I found myself apprehensive as I walked in the door for my first day at the Landmark Forum.

As a result of my participation in the Landmark Forum, I discovered a new realm of possibility and made a clearing space for a new life. I transformed.

Once I perceived myself to be “broken” and finally shortly before I took the Landmark Forum, I felt like I was beyond repair. I felt so hopeless about myself and my ability to change myself or my circumstances that I almost gave up several times. I didn’t know that I had a choice. Everything meant something and it all meant that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not worthy of love. For years I lived in a world of self-deprecation, self-sabotage, and self-loathing. “Amy, you’re too hard on yourself.” “Amy, why are you not more confident?” I couldn’t answer anyone’s questions, I didn’t understand myself, and I didn’t know what to do.

I made up stories about who I thought that I am and I lived into a future that was based on the past. I hated my life and I was starting to hate life itself. I perceived my failures and experiences in this life to be of no value to me and a sentence and a stumbling block, rather than a doorway and a stepping stone to my mission here on Earth. I lived as a cartoon character and behaved in a consistent way to survive and I played that character in every episode of my life and I played out my stories the same every time like clockwork or a bad soap opera. I played my strong suits to win the game and then punished myself when I lost the game. I was stuck and it looked like there was no way out.

Yet I didn’t know these things about myself before I went to the Landmark Forum. I was totally in a blind spot to myself and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know that I am powerful beyond measure and that I am an infinite possibility to create anything and everything I desire. I was unaware that I was trapped by myself and there was no one and nothing holding me back except for my own mind.

I now find myself free, truly freed by truth. I have a meaningless life now, but not in the way that I had once thought. I am no longer bound by any meaning that anyone, including myself, has assigned to anything that has happened in my life. I am riding on a new bicycle with training wheels that is story-less and character-less. I love my new canvass and I can paint with whatever colors and images of the past, but I am not bound to do so. I can play the games that I create and I can find freedom in detachment from winning and have FUN playing for the sake of playing.