My heart has been very broken for a long time and my faith has been tested to its very core. I have allowed myself time to heal and to date more casually, but I have longed to have the same kind of connection I had with him in addition to what was missing.
In a way I feel overjoyed that I was instrumental in preparing him for his future wife and that I set them up. On the other hand, my sorrow has been multiplied and prolonged.
Just when I thought my tears had run out and that I was fully ready to move on with my life, this morning I heard Josh Groban's rendition of Michael Jackson's song She's Out of My Life. Sometimes a song touches you in a way that nothing is ever the same again. Forgive the Japaname.
After we broke up, I prayed that the Lord would put someone in my path that would lead me away from that relationship because I knew I was vulnerable and would go back. My prayer was answered and I was led to a wonderful man online at a critical time that I needed to know that everything was going to be okay. Although he turned out to not be the one, he gave me the joy and undeniable hope for the future that was so necessary for me to be able to pick myself up and keep going. I still count my precious moments with him as some of the most tender mercies of my life that provided me such needed strength and courage.
Breakups are difficult, especially with the ones we come to love. They are perhaps the greatest tests of life. They bring about the greatest pain measurable to man. Yet I know and I have seen for myself that the Lord prepares us for the greatest joy imaginable through our relationships and that in the end it will be worth it and we will ask, "Was that all that was required?"
I have been shown that the Lord has a specific plan for my life and he has led me to the resources that would give me the confidence to go for my dreams. He led me to a man that showed me the meaning of unconditional love and positive regard. I have seen the Lord's hand in the lives of the people that I love in bringing them together.
While I'm still waiting for my happily ever after, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for the works the Lord has wrought by my feeble and unskillful hands that have been willing to serve. Somehow he miraculously lifts my burdens and hushes my fears when I reach outside of myself and 1) Trust in his plan, 2) Follow his plan, 3) Choose to be happy.
I have come to understand that without understanding true and total loneliness, I would have never been able to understand love and the worth of a soul at the level that I experience now. I can already say that it was all worth it. The world is now in full color. I have already been compensated.
I stand for your happiness and for your victory and my own. In the words of Ingrid Michaelson, everybody wants to be loved. No matter how hard and long the road, we will at last declare that it is finished and will be welcomed with open warm and loving arms to our Savior that will wipe our tears and say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."
I love you, God bless until my next post, and keep the faith!
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