And Then I Went to the Advanced Course of the Landmark Forum!

I thought that I’d reached enlightenment and I had figured life out. Wrong!

This weekend I attended the Advanced Course of the Landmark Forum. Yet again I am blown away by how much I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I realized that there is no such thing as “having arrived” and that there will always be a new world of transformation just beyond what I know or think is possible.

Before the Advanced Course, I thought that I was a decent leader and that I had an influence on people in my life. I thought that I was a nice person. I felt like I was a good daughter, sister, friend, member of the Church, American, and human being.

In reality, apparently I was wrought with a wretched need for admiration. I tried to make it with some people and while I survived other people. I felt uncomfortable with people and avoided eye contact with those for whom I felt disgust, while terrified of looking into the eyes of those that could reject me and turn away from me. I was not able to simply be with people.

I became aware that I was powerless at the level of group—whether it be relationship, group, organization, society, nation, or world. I was incapable of leading with love because in actuality I really didn’t like people. I was reasonable, justified, right, angry, lonely, smart, better, safe, comfortable, cynical, and resigned. I wasn’t concerned about making a difference—not really—and was lukewarm and mediocre.

Right before I headed to the Advanced Course, I had a major breakdown. I had to face the fact that I did not have a deep respect and reverence for my word. I let people in my life down in a big way and I knew what I had done.

At the second course, I learned how to use my word to live a life powerfully and a life that I love. I stand for love, family, community, peace, joy, happiness, and connection. I teleported from the world of the ordinary to the world of possibility through committed action as dictated by my word. I am the creator of my life and my life is, indeed, the people in my life. I now see that self is other and at the group level of world. If you suffer, I suffer. If you are happy, I am happy.

The results I see in my life now are the miracles I see happening in the lives for whom I make a difference and they are beyond anything I ever imagined possible. I am not attached to perfection and I am vulnerable to living from time to time again in the world of the ordinary, but I am consistently enlivened and fulfilled.

I am now enrolled in the Self-Expression and Leadership course, which will take place over a six-month period and will begin in December. I am committed to developing a curriculum and tools for classes in health, wholeness, healing, relationships, and personal development using textbooks like Remembering Wholeness, The Color Code, The Five Love Languages, The Anatomy of Peace, Bonds That Make Us Free, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and other books that have made an impact in my life.

I am visiting my brother in Austin, TX, after four years of not talking, I am making a personal history of my mother and father’s lives, I am helping my mother to learn how to share the gospel in her community, and I am seeking other opportunities to plan events and offer personal organizing and childcare services. I find myself hurling into the space of possibility at a velocity I have never known and I am now equipped to handle breakdowns, disappointments, and failures in a way that makes me unstoppable.

And Then I Went to the Landmark Forum

There are a few experiences in my life that I can truly say have changed my life forever. In March of this year my boyfriend at the time introduced me to the Landmark Forum. I trusted him and valued his recommendations, it sounded really interesting, and I was willing to try anything to escape the darkness and ignorance that was keeping me in a very miserable place in my mind and heart. Unfortunately, I felt very strongly like I needed to move to Utah and start over. I canceled my registration and made the move.

A few months later I signed up again for the Landmark Forum in Salt Lake City. I was warned that I would undergo a transformation unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. I thought, “I’m sure I’ll be inspired and learn a lot, but I already know this stuff, so I doubt it will be that impactful.” I watched a few videos on YouTube and I was a little nervous because people were talking about the program like it was a cult. All I had was my boyfriend’s word that it wasn’t a cult and that it was worth everything I put into it. I had no idea what was about to happen to me and my life. I found myself apprehensive as I walked in the door for my first day at the Landmark Forum.

As a result of my participation in the Landmark Forum, I discovered a new realm of possibility and made a clearing space for a new life. I transformed.

Once I perceived myself to be “broken” and finally shortly before I took the Landmark Forum, I felt like I was beyond repair. I felt so hopeless about myself and my ability to change myself or my circumstances that I almost gave up several times. I didn’t know that I had a choice. Everything meant something and it all meant that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not worthy of love. For years I lived in a world of self-deprecation, self-sabotage, and self-loathing. “Amy, you’re too hard on yourself.” “Amy, why are you not more confident?” I couldn’t answer anyone’s questions, I didn’t understand myself, and I didn’t know what to do.

I made up stories about who I thought that I am and I lived into a future that was based on the past. I hated my life and I was starting to hate life itself. I perceived my failures and experiences in this life to be of no value to me and a sentence and a stumbling block, rather than a doorway and a stepping stone to my mission here on Earth. I lived as a cartoon character and behaved in a consistent way to survive and I played that character in every episode of my life and I played out my stories the same every time like clockwork or a bad soap opera. I played my strong suits to win the game and then punished myself when I lost the game. I was stuck and it looked like there was no way out.

Yet I didn’t know these things about myself before I went to the Landmark Forum. I was totally in a blind spot to myself and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know that I am powerful beyond measure and that I am an infinite possibility to create anything and everything I desire. I was unaware that I was trapped by myself and there was no one and nothing holding me back except for my own mind.

I now find myself free, truly freed by truth. I have a meaningless life now, but not in the way that I had once thought. I am no longer bound by any meaning that anyone, including myself, has assigned to anything that has happened in my life. I am riding on a new bicycle with training wheels that is story-less and character-less. I love my new canvass and I can paint with whatever colors and images of the past, but I am not bound to do so. I can play the games that I create and I can find freedom in detachment from winning and have FUN playing for the sake of playing.