Nice is Different Than Good

There is something that atheists understand about agency that I just don't quite understand yet. Sometimes I wonder if I truly am free while they seem to know that they are free.

Others have told me about truly feeling free when they have left the Church. I have never really understood that feeling, but I caught a glimpse of what they might mean recently when I chose to watch a "bad" movie. I felt like something cracked open inside of me. I felt like I had given myself permission for the first time in a very long time to exercise my freedom.

For many years, I have felt imprisoned by God's will for my life. I have been afflicted with trials and unable to escape by either fulfilling or avoiding his will. I have felt burdened and overwhelmed by "shoulds" and "should nots". This feeling has been accompanied with an ever-present feeling of God's love for me and a clear knowledge that his gospel is the plan of happiness. This creates a seemingly irreconcilable problem for me. 

But perhaps I've discovered a clue that may be a puzzle piece in my 'theory of everything'.

Recently I watched the movie Into the Woods, which has always been one of my favorite musicals. I was blown away. I left the theater totally buzzed and I thought about the movie for days after, learning more and more as I pondered upon the symbols, archetypes, and words of the songs. I have only ever felt that way after a movie a few times in my life. I felt invigorated, uplifted, enthused, enlightened. Some lyrics from "I Know Things Now" come to my mind:

"And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith
In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good."

"Do not put your faith in a cape and a hood." 

The irony is that even though I felt happy and free to make a choice that was uniquely my own when I chose to watch a "bad" movie, I felt bored, empty, yucky, and fearful of my senses being offended. The sharp contrast between my experience watching Into the Woods and watching this particular movie was blatantly apparent.

Yet sometimes I think I am superstitious about how God offers protection with obedience to the commandments. As a member of my church, we believe that the garment protects us while we journey here in mortality. But if my car goes up in flames, do I really believe that I will only be burned outside of my garment line? I have a friend that died in a car accident on his mission. Why did his garments not protect him? Why did his promises and commitments to God not protect him? How is this any different than believing that there is a cross somewhere in Mexico that tilts a little more every year and that when it lies on its side, we will know that it's the end of the world?

Am I putting my faith in a cape and a hood? Shouldn't I be putting my faith in God? What is the difference?

What is it that offers real, true protection from that bored, empty, yucky feeling that comes from what many religious people coin as 'sin'? What is it that offers that real, true fulfillment and joy that I experienced watching Into the Woods? The factors seem to produce unpredictable outcomes, but scientifically speaking it only stands to reason that there must be a formula that produces happiness and fulfillment consistently over time.

Perhaps not all seeds become trees, perhaps not all children become celestial material. Does that mean that there isn't a specific process--a defined growth pattern that leads to ultimate fulfillment and maturity?

When it seems like that process is off-course, off the charts, way behind, or way ahead, does that mean that the process does not work? Given a longitudinal study, say a lifetime--or eternity--would that process, in the end, yield the desired result?

An irony that I have still not quite reconciled in my mind is that some of my atheist friends are the best and happiest people that I know. Perhaps this is the case because they choose to do and be good, not because of a religious obligation, but because they, themselves, choose to do and be good because those choices are what make them happy. In their understanding of agency, do they understand 'the gospel' or the 'plan of happiness' better than I do?

I have a lot of questions that I cannot answer definitively. But I can see that "nice is different than good". 

I've done a lot of 'nice' things in my life that have left me feeling 'okay' and sort of content, kind of happy. Kind of like watching that movie.

When I really think about and meditate upon my truer desires, I realize that they aren't watching movies, but instead they are wanting to feel invigorated, uplifted, enthused, and enlightened. The times that I have been "free" to feel that way have been when I sought experiences that would make me feel that way and avoided experiences that would make me feel less than that way.

I also see how my voluntary decision to do things that make me happy is precisely the key to unlocking happiness. Otherwise, all is wasted and I am forever imprisoned, still never fully able to exercise my freedom in a way that would bring happiness. I don't have to 'sin' in order to experience the feeling of freedom to choose. I simply have to get in touch with what it is that I really want and do that thing. Sin is so alluring because it is a direct expression of the right to choose, whereas obedience to God's commandments may or may not be an expression of the right to choose. But that doesn't mean sin leads to happiness.

"Wickedness never was happiness." Alma 41:3, Book of Mormon

When I really think about and meditate upon my truer desires, I realize that I do want to do the things that happen to be the same things as keeping the commandments of God. I want to do these things because either they directly make me happy,  because they protect me from the things that cause unhappiness, or because I know that the formula will lead to happiness in the future, in this life and the next. If that formula stands true, certainly that means that sin only leads to death and exponential unhappiness through eternity.

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it." 

--Mosiah 2:41, Book of Mormon