Big Fish and Bucket Lists

If you follow my blog, you may have noticed that I am an art critic. I love great music and film. This past weekend I went to see Big Fish the musical at the Hale Theater in Salt Lake City for my birthday. It was delightful, with inflatable elephants dancing out of the entrance ways and a river running through the stage. The music was surprisingly entertaining and inspiring and enhanced the already magical journey of a father and son to redemption and reconciliation.

I have adored the movie Big Fish for about eight years. I think it is Tim Burton's best and most underrated work. It's like Tim Burton is one of my few kindred souls. I am mesmerized by the interweaving Odyssean mythical adventures of Edward Bloom, the restless and ridiculous gypsy soul traveling through life as a hero saving damsels in distress, experiencing the fullness of life, and making the biggest contribution possible in his big, wide world.

http://www.ecanadanow.com/pet-goldfish-growing-to-massive-sizes-in-canadian-waterways/95132/

"Kept in a small bowl, the goldfish will remain small with more space the fish will grow double, triple, or quadruple its size." Such describes Edward Bloom.

A week ago I attended a seminar by Gary Acevedo that has impacted me in a way that takes my Landmark Forum experience to an entirely new level. I discovered that I am what I love and that I love what I am. I am my favorite books, movies, and music. I am my greatest heroes: Joe March from Little Women, Alanis Morisette, Mindy Gledhill, Edward Bloom, Chris Nielsen from What Dreams May Come, Terry Warner of the Arbinger Institute, author Taylor Hartman, President Dieter Uchtdorf, Elder Jeffrey Holland, Enos, Esther, Ruth, Pahoran, Paul, and Jesus Christ.
(See https://www.riseleadershipgroup.com/ for more information.)  

There's just something about Edward Bloom that speaks to my highest self. I've discovered that I'm willing to get up and go wherever I feel that I am needed. I've received direct and indirect messages from others that I'm irresponsible, uncommitted, selfish, fearful, or running away from life. "I'll come back when I'm supposed to."

I've had a perpetual fascination with Ewan McGregor's characters Edward Bloom and Christian in Moulin Rouge because he plays the foolhardy, lovestruck adventurer seeking his quest with reckless abandon. Perhaps there is something I love about Edward Bloom that I love about myself.

"Here in the real world, you ain't got squat. You were a big fish in a small pond, but this here is the ocean and you're drowning."

If I would have listened to that nonsense, I would have been a goner years ago. 

But God gave me a grit that got me to sing a solo for 2,000 people in a jazz choir in high school after being told that I barely made it into the choir, write and direct a high school play, attend BYU-Idaho after being rejected from all colleges I applied to including BYU-Idaho, run the first Salt Lake Marathon in 2004 despite debilitating depression, travel to Tanzania and the island of Zanzibar as a young adult, win a cupcake eating contest at an area church activity, write my own music and perform for hundreds of people, take five cross-country trips by myself, trek across the Arizonan desert 15 miles every week for six months, survive Washington, DC, traffic and cost of living twice, costar in an episode of a popular television show, learn Spanish and serve a mission for a year and a half, and move across the country six times in eight years. I've had conversations with the photographer for the Miss America Pageant, an intimate lunch date with Elder David Bednar and Susan Bednar, and I'm friends with talented musicians, motivational speakers, and artists from all around the country.

Choir

Drama Club

Salt Lake City Marathon

Massai in Tanzania

Missionary Work

Holi Festival

Canyoneering 

Humanitarian trip in Peru

Skydiving

I am astounded by the amazing life God has given me and I admit that I have many flaws and I am a mess-making machine. I am just like anyone else. I don't share any of this to brag, but to inspire others to live an Edward Bloomian life. It's not just a fantasy or a mythological tale. It has been my life and my reality since I was a child. I've been functioning on rotating bucket lists for ten years now and my bucket lists are now evolving from do-before-you-die fun times to make-a-difference items like helping out in a natural disaster, starting a coaching business, performing in a band and in a musical, getting married and raising children, sharing my message with the world, and causing the miraculous in others' lives. I am now in the world of making a difference for others and who knows what other surprises will be available to me that I haven't even planned yet? 

Besides the fantastical nature of the film, I am the most awed by the story of the father and the son. The greatest story of all, of which I hope to fully partake, is the reconciliation and redemption of an angry and bitter son with his father, resulting in a deep appreciation for him and all that he meant to him in his life. 

In the words of Gary Acevedo, "This is the love that can break your heart this much. This is the gift of life." 

Who will be there at the end of the great adventure of your life? Whose lives will you touch?

And Then I Went to the Advanced Course of the Landmark Forum!

I thought that I’d reached enlightenment and I had figured life out. Wrong!

This weekend I attended the Advanced Course of the Landmark Forum. Yet again I am blown away by how much I didn’t know that I didn’t know. I realized that there is no such thing as “having arrived” and that there will always be a new world of transformation just beyond what I know or think is possible.

Before the Advanced Course, I thought that I was a decent leader and that I had an influence on people in my life. I thought that I was a nice person. I felt like I was a good daughter, sister, friend, member of the Church, American, and human being.

In reality, apparently I was wrought with a wretched need for admiration. I tried to make it with some people and while I survived other people. I felt uncomfortable with people and avoided eye contact with those for whom I felt disgust, while terrified of looking into the eyes of those that could reject me and turn away from me. I was not able to simply be with people.

I became aware that I was powerless at the level of group—whether it be relationship, group, organization, society, nation, or world. I was incapable of leading with love because in actuality I really didn’t like people. I was reasonable, justified, right, angry, lonely, smart, better, safe, comfortable, cynical, and resigned. I wasn’t concerned about making a difference—not really—and was lukewarm and mediocre.

Right before I headed to the Advanced Course, I had a major breakdown. I had to face the fact that I did not have a deep respect and reverence for my word. I let people in my life down in a big way and I knew what I had done.

At the second course, I learned how to use my word to live a life powerfully and a life that I love. I stand for love, family, community, peace, joy, happiness, and connection. I teleported from the world of the ordinary to the world of possibility through committed action as dictated by my word. I am the creator of my life and my life is, indeed, the people in my life. I now see that self is other and at the group level of world. If you suffer, I suffer. If you are happy, I am happy.

The results I see in my life now are the miracles I see happening in the lives for whom I make a difference and they are beyond anything I ever imagined possible. I am not attached to perfection and I am vulnerable to living from time to time again in the world of the ordinary, but I am consistently enlivened and fulfilled.

I am now enrolled in the Self-Expression and Leadership course, which will take place over a six-month period and will begin in December. I am committed to developing a curriculum and tools for classes in health, wholeness, healing, relationships, and personal development using textbooks like Remembering Wholeness, The Color Code, The Five Love Languages, The Anatomy of Peace, Bonds That Make Us Free, How to Win Friends and Influence People, and other books that have made an impact in my life.

I am visiting my brother in Austin, TX, after four years of not talking, I am making a personal history of my mother and father’s lives, I am helping my mother to learn how to share the gospel in her community, and I am seeking other opportunities to plan events and offer personal organizing and childcare services. I find myself hurling into the space of possibility at a velocity I have never known and I am now equipped to handle breakdowns, disappointments, and failures in a way that makes me unstoppable.

And Then I Went to the Landmark Forum

There are a few experiences in my life that I can truly say have changed my life forever. In March of this year my boyfriend at the time introduced me to the Landmark Forum. I trusted him and valued his recommendations, it sounded really interesting, and I was willing to try anything to escape the darkness and ignorance that was keeping me in a very miserable place in my mind and heart. Unfortunately, I felt very strongly like I needed to move to Utah and start over. I canceled my registration and made the move.

A few months later I signed up again for the Landmark Forum in Salt Lake City. I was warned that I would undergo a transformation unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. I thought, “I’m sure I’ll be inspired and learn a lot, but I already know this stuff, so I doubt it will be that impactful.” I watched a few videos on YouTube and I was a little nervous because people were talking about the program like it was a cult. All I had was my boyfriend’s word that it wasn’t a cult and that it was worth everything I put into it. I had no idea what was about to happen to me and my life. I found myself apprehensive as I walked in the door for my first day at the Landmark Forum.

As a result of my participation in the Landmark Forum, I discovered a new realm of possibility and made a clearing space for a new life. I transformed.

Once I perceived myself to be “broken” and finally shortly before I took the Landmark Forum, I felt like I was beyond repair. I felt so hopeless about myself and my ability to change myself or my circumstances that I almost gave up several times. I didn’t know that I had a choice. Everything meant something and it all meant that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not worthy of love. For years I lived in a world of self-deprecation, self-sabotage, and self-loathing. “Amy, you’re too hard on yourself.” “Amy, why are you not more confident?” I couldn’t answer anyone’s questions, I didn’t understand myself, and I didn’t know what to do.

I made up stories about who I thought that I am and I lived into a future that was based on the past. I hated my life and I was starting to hate life itself. I perceived my failures and experiences in this life to be of no value to me and a sentence and a stumbling block, rather than a doorway and a stepping stone to my mission here on Earth. I lived as a cartoon character and behaved in a consistent way to survive and I played that character in every episode of my life and I played out my stories the same every time like clockwork or a bad soap opera. I played my strong suits to win the game and then punished myself when I lost the game. I was stuck and it looked like there was no way out.

Yet I didn’t know these things about myself before I went to the Landmark Forum. I was totally in a blind spot to myself and I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know that I am powerful beyond measure and that I am an infinite possibility to create anything and everything I desire. I was unaware that I was trapped by myself and there was no one and nothing holding me back except for my own mind.

I now find myself free, truly freed by truth. I have a meaningless life now, but not in the way that I had once thought. I am no longer bound by any meaning that anyone, including myself, has assigned to anything that has happened in my life. I am riding on a new bicycle with training wheels that is story-less and character-less. I love my new canvass and I can paint with whatever colors and images of the past, but I am not bound to do so. I can play the games that I create and I can find freedom in detachment from winning and have FUN playing for the sake of playing.

On Love and Marriage

So much has already been said that it is easy to feel lost in a sea of information.

 "2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
 3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,
 4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;
 5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.
 6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
 7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth."

--2 Timothy 3

We're already all feeling overwhelmed by how many things we have to do and be in order to achieve marital bliss (or marital anything, for that matter). Sometimes it seems easier to just throw in the towel and give up on the whole thing.

I don't believe that it's that complicated.

I voraciously consume the world's best books on relationships and marriage. In conjunction with case studies, personal experience, and research, I have concluded that happy and healthy marriages can be attributed and boiled down to four key elements:

1) Living the Gospel of Jesus Christ

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." 

--The Family: A Proclamation to the World

2) Fundamental Personality Compatibility

There are many resources to discover your personality and the personality of your significant other:

The Color Code
Four Temperaments
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
Five Love Languages
StrengthsFinder
Emotional Fingerprint

3) Mutual Love

There are four types of love:

Agápe: brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God
Éros: love, mostly of the sexual passion
Philía: affectionate regard, friendship
Storgē: love, affection, especially of parents and children

 Marriage is most enjoyable when all forms of this love are present.

4) Common Interests, Goals, and Mission

Do you like the same things? Are you working toward the same goals? Do you share a common purpose and vision? Do you want to accomplish the same things in life? If you are working toward the same things, as time passes, you will grow together and not apart.

When bogged down with so many opinions and so much information, I always find myself returning to these basic principles. 

The last three elements are largely determined in the selection process, which is why selecting a mate may be the most important choice you will ever make. However the most important element of the four elements is living the principles of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The reason why this is so important is because if you can make a good selection of a life partner, the glue that will hold it together will be adherence to true principles that Christ taught and the foundation upon which it will stand will be the love of Christ. With all four elements in place, there is a much higher likelihood that a marriage will endure the test of time and trial and that meanwhile it will be fulfilling, joyous, enriching, and glorious.

Turbulence: Losing Control

Recently I have been experiencing mild chest pain in the area around my heart. I have tried to not be alarmed, but as I have researched the causes of chest pain, I have found very few explanations that are comforting in any way. I have never had any serious health problems, so this is something that is new and surprising to me.  

My boyfriend is a pilot and I flew with him to San Antonio and back a few days ago. I felt very secure knowing that someone that cared about me and knew me was in charge of getting me to my destination safely.

On the flight home, we encountered "wind shear", which is a change in wind speed or and/or direction within a short distance, according to the FAA.

Chaos in the sky, right?

I have always been an adrenaline junkie. I love roller coasters, snowboarding, rock climbing, wakeboarding, backpacking, skydiving, traveling alone, and other various high-risk activities. 

But I have never been fond of turbulence. Turbulence makes me feel totally out of control. I feel like I am at the mercy of nature. Nature can be awe-inspiring and majestic, but it can also be omnipotent and terrifying. Somehow I feel like I still maintain control if I am strapped to a supposedly secure device or if I have the ability to walk away at any time. But no, no, I do not have this comfort in turbulence.

Perhaps others surrender to a sense of total helplessness when they fall in love or become parents for the first time. Some people feel like they are losing control when they get fired or have to face the death of a family member. I lost control in the back of a United Airlines CRJ-700, feeling like I was about to plummet towards my death.

My boyfriend, the pilot, later told me that wind shear is not common and it is dangerous, but it can be easily averted and the aircraft can be guided into safety without any problems. A person may fly and experience wind shear once in his or her lifetime.

Nonetheless, as a passenger, it is a horrifying experience. While I was rehearsing in my mind what I needed to do to exit the plane in an emergency landing, the woman next to me was getting ready to vomit. Other passengers were gripping their armrests, offering silent prayers, and nervously cracking jokes about how the pilot needed more practice. There is nothing that can intensify chest pain or put you at risk for heart failure than feeling like you are going to die.

But I knew the pilot. 

Lessons from Wind Shear

For many years I blamed God, others, circumstances, and myself for all the bad things that happened to me. It was easier to assign responsibility than to face the challenges. Maybe if I could blame someone or something for my problems, I could annihilate the source so I didn't have to have problems anymore.

Unfortunately this strategy proved to be totally fruitless. It was easy to at least blame everything on God because I knew he could take it and I knew he wouldn't mind. I knew that he loved me and if I had to blame him for everything, he would forgive me and understand. I was so focused on blaming and on getting rid of my problems, I was missing the adventure. I wanted God to be tame, and when he wouldn't comply with my demands to feel protected from life, I threw a fit and pouted.

A great white shark off the South African coast.
Photograph: Brandon Cole/Getty

Apparently God is a dangerous God. He is wild at heart (Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret to a Man's Soul, John Eldridge). He created the Earth with blowing winds, rushing water, raging fire, shifting earth. He made the tornado, hurricane, tsunami, earthquake, volcano. He endowed the land and sea with the lion, bear, giant squid, hippopotamus, African buffalo, crocodile, great blue whale, cougar, and great white shark.

But there are scarier things to me in life than great white sharks, despite my recurring nightmares due to my incessant watching of Jaws growing up. I fear never getting married and being alone the rest of my life or getting married and having to get a divorce. I fear never producing a life's work and feeling like all of my efforts were in vain. I fear that I will starve and not be able to provide for myself. There are so many "wind shears" that frighten me so much more than Mother Nature in all of her terror and glory. But they are subtle fears--quiet fears--than when pressed to the back of my mind for long enough, create stress that deteriorates the mind and deteriorates the heart. Acute or subtle, fear leads to failing hearts.

I thought that I was a risk-taker, but God is the biggest risk-taker of all. He sent us down to Earth, knowing that many of us would never make it back home. He threw caution to the wind and lavishly clothed us with magnificent bodies that we would abuse, misuse, and neglect daily. He let us spiritual toddlers play with the china and gave man the authority of the priesthood, or the authority to act in his name. And most daring of all, he sent his Son, to suffer and die for us, risking that we may never appreciate or accept the gift of his sacrifice or the love he offers so freely.

When I am praying for safety and protection--when I am asking for solutions to my problems--am I requesting to be relieved of my post and released from my quest?

We Will Survive Together by Mr-Ripley

The question that remains is this: Is it worth it?

Is it worth fighting against the wind shears, the great whites, the loneliness, the emptiness, the fear, the fatigue? Is it worth risking the chance that, like a seafaring fisherman, I may not make it back? Is the danger of the Odyssey worth an eternity with Penelope?

The answer is in the fact that I know the pilot.

If my boyfriend, someone that cares about me so much, would do anything to keep me safe in a turbulent airplane ride, how much more would the pilot of my life, my God, the father of my spirit, do to save my life and ensure that I arrive at my ultimate destination? He does not want me to feel frightened or terrorized by my earthly experiences. He wants me to embrace the adventure and know that he is in charge and he is going to get me to where I need to go, no matter what.

 "37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
 38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
 39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
 40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?
 41 And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4

The pilot of my life created me, knows me, and loves me infinitely and perfectly. He has the power to calm any wind and any turbulence. But he won't, because he knows I love the thrill and that I would forever regret calmed seas. He is the greatest adventure. He is the wild at heart.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life's tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treach'rous shoal.
Chart and compass came from thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boist'rous waves obey thy will
When thou say'st to them, "Be still!"
Wondrous Sov'reign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on thy breast,
May I hear thee say to me,
"Fear not; I will pilot thee."

The Suffering of Job

The first time I read Job was in my high school English class. I understood only the basic story. My second reading was a year ago. I knew then that Job would be someone I would come to know personally.

Recently I have completed my third reading of the book of Job.

Through many trials and tribulations I have come to know for myself the following truth:

"The path of salvation has always led one way or another through Gethsemane."

--Elder Jeffery Holland, Lessons from Liberty Jail

The suffering of Job is to be a common experience among all true disciples of Jesus Christ.

Is there any other way to obtain salvation other than passing through Gethsemane? I now understand that truly, there is no other way.

I never understood why it would be necessary to experience an opposition in all things. I never understood why it would be requisite to know pain in order to know joy. For the first time in my existence, I have come to know for myself that this is true. Not because I have experienced the opposing joy and happiness on the other side of pain and suffering. On the contrary, I still remain almost entirely on the other side of the spectrum and I do not know for how much longer I will be there.

"3 So am I made to possess months of vanity, and wearisome nights are appointed to me.

4 When I lie down, I say, When shall I arise, and the night be gone? and I am full of tossings to and fro unto the dawning of the day."

--Job 7:3-4

Yet while I endure the hardships that have been my assignments to overcome, I have pondered upon many questions about my own salvation.

Is it possible that I could be saved from this death and dying--what I know to be death--pain, suffering, grief, sorrow, disappointment, discouragement, emptiness, loneliness, and despondency? Does anyone understand my hopelessness, helplessness, darkness, confusion, and disorientation? Can I be healed after I have been tortured, abused, neglected, abandoned, impoverished, humiliated, isolated? What happens after I am shamed, demeaned, ignored, spit upon, hated, stripped of dignity, mocked, discounted, and heartbroken? Can I be restored from my body decaying as I feel my heart beating slower, my spine disintegrating, my bowels losing effectiveness, and my brain delaying response? Is there forgiveness and relief from the infinite and never-ending guilt from and impotency over my weaknesses, shortcomings, short-sightedness, small-mindedness, ignorance, unkindness, impatience, intolerance, intemperance, rage, hatred, selfishness, and judgment of others?

Is there someone--anyone--anything--that can save me from all of this huge mess?

Many, many times I have been tempted to pin God as the culprit of all my misery, but I have come to the same conclusion as Job. Does it matter whose fault it is?

"15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him."

--Job 13:15

The irony is that in trusting in him completely, I have been left completely to my own strength. Yet in trusting in him, I have caught a vision of why this isolation is a necessary step on the road of discipleship.

If I always remained with God--in the comfort of his love, his presence, his strength, his power, his glory, his protection--I would never be able to savor the value of it all. And I would never gain what he has for myself because I would never need to; I would always have it. Like a young bird that never leaves the nest, I would never learn to fly.

Thus I am left alone in the wilderness of this broken world--this earthly sojourn--that I might come to know complete depravity so that I might know, understand, savor, and relish total abundance.

In conclusion, He has the power to raise me from death, all forms of death.

And as Job exclaims,

"25 I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth. 

 26 And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:

 27 Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another..." 

--Job 19:25-27

I know that my Redeemer lives.

In the Bleak Midwinter

Sometimes life, like a subway, plummets down into the earth from once-lit skies into the deepest abyss. But the car is moving and it is moving fast. The inside is warm and bright, while there may only be walls and darkness looking out the window.

Such is the gospel of Jesus Christ. It brightens and enriches the way through this mortal journey, albeit daunting and frightening at times.

"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."  

--Jenkin Lloyd Jones

I've given up and given in more to whatever the Lord has planned for my life again. If my life is full of vistas and thrilling bursts of speed, then great. If my life is full of delays, sidetracks, and smoke, then fine. If life is derailed and throws me for an unexpected loop de loop, weeee! I signed up for the full package. I'm here for the whole ride. I've had tickets to ride different trains, but frankly, "Bring me my chariots of fire." --William Blake

Giving up and giving in isn't nearly as painful as I thought that it would be. But it's not a one-time event. It's nice to feel like I don't have to rush and I don't have to try so hard. Something about submission to the dark and the cold makes it easier to bear. If it's going to be dark and cold, I might as well put on my jacket and stand by a street lamp while I wait for the bus to come and pick me up.

In the bleak midwinter there is a stillness. (Christina G. Rossetti)

The wind rustles the leaves, snow falls upon the trees, and then--all is quiet. There is no life to be seen. No movement. No distraction. Only quiet.

Is life dead, or does it only sleep? Certainly sidetracks and smoke and cinders and jolts would be more exciting than the dead of winter. How boring. How monotonous. How mundane.

Or is there an inner quietness, an inner knowing...that spring will come and flowers will bloom and picnics will be taken and pool parties will be thrown and slip and slides will be slipped and ice cream will be eaten and beach trips will be planned and pumpkins will be carved and turkeys will be stuffed and--at last--family will reunite again around the dinner table with buttered rolls and ham, singing around the piano, decorating the Christmas tree in celebration of the Savior of the world, once again.

In the bleak midwinter, is there, a time to pause? A time to reflect and remember. And to learn. Perhaps the adrenaline drained and calloused knees are welcome friends to a wearied checkbook, a marriage gone sour, a loss ungrieved, a love unrequited, a trauma unprocessed, a mystery unsolved, a habit unbroken.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

--Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To me, winter is a season of opportunity and restoration. I will always enjoy the summer effortlessly and thoughtlessly, so there is little opportunity to grow in summer. Only in winter can I really make the changes necessary to be able to enjoy all of the other seasons of the year. Like sleep restores my body overnight for the following day, winter restores my soul for the entire year. Hibernation is the way of nature's restoration of life, and so it is with human souls.

Nice is Different Than Good

There is something that atheists understand about agency that I just don't quite understand yet. Sometimes I wonder if I truly am free while they seem to know that they are free.

Others have told me about truly feeling free when they have left the Church. I have never really understood that feeling, but I caught a glimpse of what they might mean recently when I chose to watch a "bad" movie. I felt like something cracked open inside of me. I felt like I had given myself permission for the first time in a very long time to exercise my freedom.

For many years, I have felt imprisoned by God's will for my life. I have been afflicted with trials and unable to escape by either fulfilling or avoiding his will. I have felt burdened and overwhelmed by "shoulds" and "should nots". This feeling has been accompanied with an ever-present feeling of God's love for me and a clear knowledge that his gospel is the plan of happiness. This creates a seemingly irreconcilable problem for me. 

But perhaps I've discovered a clue that may be a puzzle piece in my 'theory of everything'.

Recently I watched the movie Into the Woods, which has always been one of my favorite musicals. I was blown away. I left the theater totally buzzed and I thought about the movie for days after, learning more and more as I pondered upon the symbols, archetypes, and words of the songs. I have only ever felt that way after a movie a few times in my life. I felt invigorated, uplifted, enthused, enlightened. Some lyrics from "I Know Things Now" come to my mind:

"And I know things now,
Many valuable things,
That I hadn't known before:
Do not put your faith
In a cape and a hood,
They will not protect you
The way that they should.
And take extra care with strangers,
Even flowers have their dangers.
And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good."

"Do not put your faith in a cape and a hood." 

The irony is that even though I felt happy and free to make a choice that was uniquely my own when I chose to watch a "bad" movie, I felt bored, empty, yucky, and fearful of my senses being offended. The sharp contrast between my experience watching Into the Woods and watching this particular movie was blatantly apparent.

Yet sometimes I think I am superstitious about how God offers protection with obedience to the commandments. As a member of my church, we believe that the garment protects us while we journey here in mortality. But if my car goes up in flames, do I really believe that I will only be burned outside of my garment line? I have a friend that died in a car accident on his mission. Why did his garments not protect him? Why did his promises and commitments to God not protect him? How is this any different than believing that there is a cross somewhere in Mexico that tilts a little more every year and that when it lies on its side, we will know that it's the end of the world?

Am I putting my faith in a cape and a hood? Shouldn't I be putting my faith in God? What is the difference?

What is it that offers real, true protection from that bored, empty, yucky feeling that comes from what many religious people coin as 'sin'? What is it that offers that real, true fulfillment and joy that I experienced watching Into the Woods? The factors seem to produce unpredictable outcomes, but scientifically speaking it only stands to reason that there must be a formula that produces happiness and fulfillment consistently over time.

Perhaps not all seeds become trees, perhaps not all children become celestial material. Does that mean that there isn't a specific process--a defined growth pattern that leads to ultimate fulfillment and maturity?

When it seems like that process is off-course, off the charts, way behind, or way ahead, does that mean that the process does not work? Given a longitudinal study, say a lifetime--or eternity--would that process, in the end, yield the desired result?

An irony that I have still not quite reconciled in my mind is that some of my atheist friends are the best and happiest people that I know. Perhaps this is the case because they choose to do and be good, not because of a religious obligation, but because they, themselves, choose to do and be good because those choices are what make them happy. In their understanding of agency, do they understand 'the gospel' or the 'plan of happiness' better than I do?

I have a lot of questions that I cannot answer definitively. But I can see that "nice is different than good". 

I've done a lot of 'nice' things in my life that have left me feeling 'okay' and sort of content, kind of happy. Kind of like watching that movie.

When I really think about and meditate upon my truer desires, I realize that they aren't watching movies, but instead they are wanting to feel invigorated, uplifted, enthused, and enlightened. The times that I have been "free" to feel that way have been when I sought experiences that would make me feel that way and avoided experiences that would make me feel less than that way.

I also see how my voluntary decision to do things that make me happy is precisely the key to unlocking happiness. Otherwise, all is wasted and I am forever imprisoned, still never fully able to exercise my freedom in a way that would bring happiness. I don't have to 'sin' in order to experience the feeling of freedom to choose. I simply have to get in touch with what it is that I really want and do that thing. Sin is so alluring because it is a direct expression of the right to choose, whereas obedience to God's commandments may or may not be an expression of the right to choose. But that doesn't mean sin leads to happiness.

"Wickedness never was happiness." Alma 41:3, Book of Mormon

When I really think about and meditate upon my truer desires, I realize that I do want to do the things that happen to be the same things as keeping the commandments of God. I want to do these things because either they directly make me happy,  because they protect me from the things that cause unhappiness, or because I know that the formula will lead to happiness in the future, in this life and the next. If that formula stands true, certainly that means that sin only leads to death and exponential unhappiness through eternity.

"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it." 

--Mosiah 2:41, Book of Mormon

Ring Out, Wild Bells

When does death occur and life begin? If we are all one eternal round, why is there a distinction between the old and the new?

What is it about the holidays, and particularly New Year's, that makes me question all of my beliefs about what makes me happy and what could make me happy in the future? Do I really want to continue on the path that I set out to take? Is it because that is when everyone is gone and it is finally quiet enough to reflect upon the essence of my life experience? Do I really want to keep dating that guy that I was dating in the fall? Do I really actually like my job--my career? Do I want to stay where I am or do I want to seek greener pastures somewhere else or with someone else or doing something else? Is there more to life than what I experienced thus far? What is family? Why is it important? Who am I??

There is a certain stench when a place gets too old, when faces get too familiar. Something in the air that wreaks of stagnancy, festering bacteria just below the surface. There is a cleansing process that takes place when I move to a new area. Perhaps I am freed from others' misconceptions about who I am. Perhaps I am allowed to scratch old ideas without shame. I don't have to explain to anyone why I have changed. I can immediately incorporate everything I have learned without resistance.

What is it about the past that is so necessary for growth? Roots deep into ancestry that transcend death. Why is it necessary to forever be bound to the that which has been passed down from father to father, mother to mother? I have tried to cut myself off from the past in an attempt to sever the pain--the infected limb--that seems to infect the rest of my soul. And yet the phantom pain is far more excruciating than gangrene would have ever been. Perhaps there is no severance and what I perceive as severance is a denial of the everlasting bonds that are there between man and every act, every word, every human, every everything ever experienced and that is written in the fleshy tablets of every soul. Are they also the bonds that make us free? (C. Terry Warner, Bonds That Make Us Free)

If denial and severance are only illusory, then how can true renewal be possible? Does death really have to be the answer? Is it possible that a Phoenix can rise and live from the very ashes of its own decay? Is it possible that the bad can be good and the remains are the very substance of life itself? Then why sever--why isolate the good from the bad when they are never truly isolated, nor can they ever be?

I have a transitory nature and that simply is. I never stay in one place, with one purpose, or with one person for very long. I have lived in denial of myself and my very nature for most of my adult life because I didn't used to be this way. When did this begin? I wasn't a military brat and I never traveled much growing up. I believe that at some point moving away to college introduced me to the dying and rebirthing process. I learned that I could let go of relationships and start new ones. I learned that I could gather all of my things and relocate them to a new area without flinching. I learned that I could give up all of my hopes and dreams and create new ones. At some point, I learned how to fail and then how to succeed. I learned that I am a survivor. At some point, I learned how to die and to be reborn.

Ironically, my greatest temptation is to wonder whether things will ever change. Yet intellectually and experientially I understand that change is the only constant, whether it comes or whether I create it myself. Inertia is not my path regardless of whether I choose good or evil.

New Year's can be a time of reflection--a time of renewal--a time of rebirth. Like the breath of life itself, in with the good, out with the bad. Like bottles of wine that have broken out of storage after decades, toast to the sweetness of life, the freshness of a new start, new goals, new relationships, and new adventures. Bring on death and ring out, wild bells!

Ring Out, Wild Bells

"Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more,
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out thy mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease,
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be."

Alfred, Lord Tennyson