The Wall and Learned Helplessness

The Wall

The most haunting movie I've ever seen was an Austrian film named The Wall.

Based on the 1963 novel Die Wand by Austrian writer Marlen Haushofer and adapted for the screen by Julian Pölsler, the film is about a woman who visits with friends at their hunting lodge in the Austrian Alps. Left alone while her friends walk to a nearby village, the woman soon discovers she is cut off from all human contact by a mysterious invisible wall. With her friends' loyal dog Lynx as her companion, she lives the next three years in isolation.

For three years now I've been living (or dying, so to speak) behind this invisible wall. 

I cannot detect the origination, the parameters, the density, the nature, the conditions, the longevity, nor the perpetuity of the wall.

There is no greater hell than isolation. 

"We are all sentenced to solitude within our own skins, for life." --Tennessee Williams

The movie "Joy" is a biographical story of Joy Mangano, who broke through the wall. 

Her inner child spoke to her in a dream.

"17 years. Think about it, we've been hiding for 17 years. 17 years. We used to make things. 17 years ago. Then that all stopped. What happened? When you're hiding, you're safe because people can't see you. But funny thing about hiding, you're even hidden from yourself."

In a moment of true grit, she kicked her father and her ex-husband out of her home and began manufacturing the Miracle Mop. Subsequently she sold more than 18,000 mops on her first hour-long QVC infomercial.

What I love about this story is that Joy Mangano brings her family with her. She doesn't leave her family behind in the trenches, but she leads them beyond the wall.

Learned Helplessness

In 1965, Martin Seligman and his colleagues were doing research on classical conditioning, or the process by which an animal or human associates one thing with another. In the case of Seligman's experiment, he would ring a bell and then give a light shock to a dog. After a number of times, the dog reacted to the shock even before it happened: as soon as the dog heard the bell, he reacted as though he'd already been shocked.

But, then something unexpected happened. Seligman put each dog into a large crate that was divided down the middle with a low fence. The dog could see and jump over the fence if necessary. The floor on one side of the fence was electrified, but not on the other side of the fence. Seligman put the dog on the electrified side and administered a light shock. He expected the dog to jump to the non-shocking side of the fence.

Instead, the dogs laid down. It was as though they'd learned from the first part of the experiment that there was nothing they could do to avoid the shocks, so they gave up in the second part of the experiment.

Dogs who had previously been shocked did not try to escape the shocks in a subsequent experiment.

Seligman described their condition as learned helplessness, or not trying to get out of a negative situation because the past has taught you that you are helpless.

Similarly an elephant will believe that it is actually stuck when tied to a thread of dental floss. The absurdity of our self-imposed solitary confinement seems like it would be enough to break the grip of the insanity, but many people would rather remain in misery.

The Problem with Almost

The problem with almost getting the guy or girl, almost getting the job, almost finding a cure is that now that all of your energy is expended, you now have to start all over again--with still no guarantee of success but now you have accompanying apathy, lethargy, and fatigue.

If you are playing a game of chance with your heart, your money, and your health, why do you think you would fare any better another go-around?

What if life were like a game of Chutes and Ladders?

Sometimes you get lucky and you get the ladder all the way to the top--you get the lucky hand. Sometimes you can't seem to get anywhere because you keep hitting the chutes back down to the bottom.

"The world does not give you opportunity. The world destroys your opportunity and breaks your heart. I should have listened to my mother when I was ten years old. I should have spent the rest of my life watching t.v. and hiding the world like my mother." - Joy Mangano

Say there is no 'grand design' and that life is just one big crapshoot--one big fat farce. We fare according to the management of the creature and all leads to eventual failure.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong and that all things are spinning out of order into chaos. In a meaningless world, the end of this kind of thinking truly can lead to the dismal fate of the nameless woman stuck behind the The Wall forever in solitary confinement and perpetual isolation.

Is there an alternative?

Faith and Falling

Attachment is the most powerful force in the universe and it is the very force of gravity itself.

Have you ever been on an amusement park ride that gives you a pit in your stomach but is simultaneously exhilarating?

How about falling in love? Isn't it the easiest thing you've ever done?

What about the sensation of it just being right?

"Follow your bliss."

That feeling you get when you're in nature.

Have you ever watched a dog play and wondered where he gets off being so carefree?

That something in our natures that desires to progress actually chooses the path of the most resistance. Our desire for growth trumps our desire for flow and ease.

This. is. The. Wall.

When we are ready, I mean really ready for success--for bliss--we will desire Flow and Ease more than resistance.

Gravity is the law by which all matter obeys. We can only resist gravity so long before it puts us in our graves.

The question is whether we will spend our days resisting our soul's journey down the river of life. It is the great decision of life whether we will turn our boats downstream and enjoy the ride, using our strength to steer ourselves through the grand rapids and majestic waterfalls or whether we'll try to paddle upstream and then go down backwards anyway.

It may just be that finding a little faith and falling into the abyss of what seems like hell is a hell of a lot easier than staying stuck in the box with the buzzer.

"If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?"
-Eminem

Fulfillment and Satisfaction: When Fantasy Meets Reality

Since my last major heartbreak, I have been pondering upon the greatest and even smallest disappointments of my life and why they have had the impact on me they have had. I have come to realize that these experiences turned into disappointments as a function of fantasy.

Fantasy, like a balloon, puffs its way to the top of the stratosphere--too innocent to know that it's not, in fact, an astronaut catapulting into the suns, moons, and stars--but a mere balloon, defeated by the gravity of reality like everything else in this world. Unable to escape the pressure of the gravity it so desires to conquer, it slowly loses its power of flight and plummets to the earth with surprisingly equal velocity that rose it to the heavens.

What good then is this spontaneous creation of the mind? Surely it is not a tool to self-torment, taunt, and torture the soul? When does fantasy become a dream maker--a tool of an infinitely powerful creator and god in embryo? How can fantasy satisfy and dreams become the genesis of the greatest tangible joy available to man?

These terrifyingly stark realizations that my experiences were not actually reality or fulfillment of these fantasies beg these existential questions.

Then at *other moments* (moments I call spontaneous fulfillment of desire, according to Deepak Chopra) seemingly inconsequential coincidences have proven to be the greatest answers to prayer, fulfillment of promises, and prove to be the hard, cold factual evidence that God does indeed care--he loves me, hears me, knows me, and wants me to be happy in the deepest way possible. Sudden and unexpected situations and people appear mysteriously and open up worlds of wonder and opportunities to learn, grow, and progress.

Recently in my career I've had the experience of feeling like God gave me a million dollars and told me he would mentor me on how to use it. Suddenly I have everything I need and want in this one area of my life and there is no possible way to complain. I would certainly be an ingrate to take any of it for granted. In an unexpected corner of the universe I found everything I've ever wanted in a moment, without any apparent cause or deserving on my part. The random and improbable fulfillment of my hope for years and years has come upon me and my aching, yearning, hoping, desiring, and longing for a job that is fulfilling and satisfying is abruptly over for no apparent reason other than it was "time". Why has this miracle suddenly occurred in my life at this time and not at an earlier time, another place, or another employer?

Why in these other areas of my life (particularly in the area of love and family) do I remain unfulfilled, unsatisfied? There doesn't seem to be rhyme or reason as to what has brought about my greatest and most fulfilling life experiences other than something to do with God's will and timing.

Thus I am left to think that God's timing is almost entirely unpredictable and unknowable to me--right now--anyway. I find myself fumbling around God's master control trying to find the right dials, knobs, and buttons to make things happen in my life, but I am not the master operator and actually have no training whatsoever in orchestrating my own life and being my own god. I would be just as clueless stepping into the cockpit of a 747, ready to crash and kill myself and everyone else on board upon lift off.

I am left to conclude that there is nothing left to do other than to trust that everything is going according to plan. Perhaps at no other time in my life have I felt so compelled to believe that there is no other way other than through and through means trusting. Through means letting go of any of my expectations of how I think my life is "supposed" to go.

While it has appeared far too terrifying to trust and to let go of that little piece of control I thought I had, it is much, much more terrifying to think about not letting go and remaining forever in button land, trying to figure out the secret code and combination of maneuvers to get things to "work" in my life. This has proven futile.

They say for everyone there's going to be something that drives you to your knees. That something for me has kept me knee-calloused for years, but I'm ready to get up off my knees and to just start walking, REALLY walking--knowing that God does actually care about me and my happiness and that things will not always be the way they are now.

The question boils down to this for me:
Do you or do you not believe that God keeps his promises? Do you or do you not believe that Christ suffered in Gethsemane and died on the cross specifically for you?

In moments of despair and confusion I forget that I do believe that God fulfills his promises and I do believe that Christ suffered for me and my ultimate happiness.

Then it's all worth it, isn't it?

The moment that fantasy becomes reality is the moment of satisfaction and fulfillment. The reality is that God does love me and that's a reality I cherish evey day of my life. I have experienced this many times and so I know it goes, despite the fact that I remain waiting for my greatest hopes and desires to be fulfilled.

Back to the balloon--maybe it's still a balloon. But the problem with never taking the balloon to the top again is that you never know if it's a balloon or a rocket ship until it gets to the top and breaks through the atmosphere. I had no idea that a simple job application (one of literally thousands and thousands over many years) would result into skyrocketing me into the most beautiful journey of my life in my personal contribution to society. I also had no idea that my last choice college, BYU-Idaho, would be the ideal and perfect fertile soil for me to heal and to learn. I also had no idea that visiting just one more booth at the internship fair would lead me to the Anasazi Foundation, which perhaps the most profound experience of my life up to this point.

You never know where just one more date or one more doctor's appointment or one more business idea may take you.

You never know that just one more attempt can turn a dream into a reality that is worth everything you have ever been willing to sacrifice.

This I strive to believe as I walk with you together, uncertain of the bleary future ahead.

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I served a year and a half as a Christian missionary among many illegal Californian Mexicans. I will describe what life is like for them. Many of them have never had the opportunity to learn English and do not have a voice for themselves, so I will speak for them.

Couple Deported Shortly After Getting Married and Baptized

Most of them spend their days working in the "jardineria" or farms, flower, or fruit fields. Others spend long, tireless hours on oil rigs, short-term construction projects, and menial labor like trash removal, hotel staff, restaurant staff, or custodial staff. There is very little honor in one's profession--a job is simply a tool of survival. They will frequently work 12 or more hours a day, rarely taking time for recreation and most have never experienced a vacation. Many become homeless with layoffs and turn to drugs, gangs, and other coping mechanisms to deal with loss. This creates a cycle of dysfuncitonal families and more of the same.

A common meal will be rice, beans, tortillas, and carne asada--the very cheapest meal possible. Queso fresco is popular because the process of making it is simple and therefore it is the cheapest cheese available. While undernourished, it is common that "Mexican mamas" are overweight because although undernourished, food provides the only affordable pleasure while facing daily stresses of single motherhood due to their spouses being deported and never having enough to get by.

Many of illegal immigrants have fled states like Juarez, a Mexican state ridden with drug cartels. Back in their homeland, there is much corruption in the government, poverty, continual violence, and civil war. Most suffer from various causes of PTSD and yet never have a hope of seeing a therapist or a counselor to combat the effects of traumatization.

Those that have been lucky enough to escape the all-seeing eye of the "migra" or immigration officers while crossing the border live in daily fear of being discovered and deported back to a displaced state. There is no life for them back in Mexico--no family, no profession, no money. If they are deported, they are sent to Tijuana, where they will await a miracle that someday they will be able to be reunited with their loved ones again, which is nothing but a fantasy since it takes 10 or more years to process a green card and there is no guarantee of approval.

Two Children Whose Father Had Been Deported

One man that we were teaching suddenly disappeared and his girlfriend lost contact with him entirely. She knew he had been deported, but there was no way of reaching him. She spent weeks in desperate prayer that she would just be able to know what happened to him. Several days later he showed up back at their house and told his story. He had been deported and set free back in Tijuana. He had to come up with some money to pay a porter to join a guided group across the border. As they were crossing through the terribly hot desert terrain (and it was summer), the "migra" were rumored to be nearby. The group scattered and he was left entirely alone in the desert, having no idea how to get back and no idea which direction would take him across the border. He found himself becoming dangerously dehydrated and had run completely out of food. He didn't eat for several days. Wandering around the wilderness, by the grace of God he finally managed to find signs of human life and made his way across the border. He hitchhiked his way back to his girlfriend and his two children that were terrified that they had lost their father forever.

Others have not been so lucky. My heart has broken over the fact that so many of my dear friends have been separated forever from their loved ones because they have been deported with very little hope of ever seeing their loved ones again. They wait in Tijuana, praying for a miracle that someday they will be able to live together in harmony without fear of being separated at any moment from their family.

Most illegal Mexican immigrants are refugees. When we think about the Mexican "problem", do we ask ourselves these questions? Why would so many flee their homeland in droves? What is going on in Mexico that is so terrible that families would live their entire lives separated from each other?

We have seen Mexican immigration as a threat, but as we ignore the devastation that is happening all around us and literally build a wall around ourselves, we don't realize that we are cutting off a part of ourselves. They are us and we are them. We cannot cut them off without cutting off a part of ourselves.

Until we begin to see others as a part of ourselves, we will continue remain separate and disunited. We will continue to see wars and rumors of wars and they will become more frequent. What can we do to restore unity as a human race? What can we do to heal the broken hearts of our war survivors instead of breaking their hearts even more with our rejection and fear of them?

I can barely wait for the return of the King. He will set everything right. It is only through a true understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ that the Earth will be healed from selfishness, misunderstanding, fear, and violence. It will not be long I predict before we will realize our desperate need for a Savior and will call him back into our experience here on this planet so that he can show us how to live together in harmony, love, and peace.

"Armies cannot stop an idea whose time has come." Victor Hugo

Joy to the World: The Gift of Humor

For many years I have been vigorously complimented for my authenticity. I've enjoyed the exhilaration of sharing the most intimate details of my life with strangers in opportune moments and reaching the dearest of friends and family by wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm from New England, so this kind of honesty comes naturally to me, but pleasantly surprises people in the West.

During this Christmas season I've been wondering if there are other ways to use this gift of authenticity to bless others. As I was pondering I realized that I've been withholding the joy of my humor from the world. When it is convenient and when I meet like-minded people, my humor becomes quite obvious, but that's unfortunately not very often. I rarely allow that side of my personality to come out because I usually wait for someone else to initiate playful witty banter, but it's time to show up and shine.

Frankly I find humans ridiculous. We think we know what we're doing, but really we have no idea and we look like fools most of the time. I've learned to take great joy in watching myself fail and make the biggest messes of all time by laughing at myself and not taking myself too seriously.

I put together my first stand-up routine almost a year ago and I received a surprising amount of positive feedback. There have also been other instances in which I've received feedback that I have the power to unite a whole room in uproarious laughter. I realize now how substantial my contribution to the world can be when I intentionally create the space of joy and laughter wherein my friends can play.

Humor has been my saving grace. Late-night re-runs of Everybody Loves Raymond or the Bill Cosby Show have lifted my spirits many a time in the dark nights of my soul. There is something magical about pointing out the absurdity of tragedy and human foibles that disempowers the foe. The forces of evil can't stand a chance when someone puts on a smile and makes 'em laugh.

Remember Robin Williams?

Some of the happiest and funniest men and women developed humor as a weapon against the most debilitating demons, darkness, and depression. I cried the day he died. Although I didn't know him, in many ways I knew him. He was a tragic hero, yet an example of intentional optimism, joy, and faith in the face of trial and tribulation beyond what most people ever experience. His fantastic and authentic performance as a husband grief-stricken due to the suicide of his wife in What Dreams May Come may have been relatively unnoticed, but not to me. Suicide is not the end, Robin, as you know.

Remember Funny Girl?

In the movie version Barbara Streisand plays a comedian married to a husband addicted to gambling and the musical ends with the couple tragically separating. The song Send In the Clowns has always been hauntingly beautiful to me:

Humor is also an opportunity to put the problems of life into proper perspective. To those of us that are truly committed to humor, it is not entertainment--it is a lifestyle. My love of good humor began as a teenager as I attended a bi-weekly improv comedy troupe akin to "Whose Line is It Anyway?" I fell in love with wit, flow, and authenticity and the experiences of sheer joy and connection I had changed my life forever. I have since remained totally committed to good humor.

Without further ado, here is a clip of my first standup routine. Anticipate more to come in 2017.

Hardest Breakup Ever

Some of you know that the man I was considering marrying a little over a year ago just married one of my closest friends. After we broke up I suggested that he date her and he took me seriously.

My heart has been very broken for a long time and my faith has been tested to its very core. I have allowed myself time to heal and to date more casually, but I have longed to have the same kind of connection I had with him in addition to what was missing.

In a way I feel overjoyed that I was instrumental in preparing him for his future wife and that I set them up. On the other hand, my sorrow has been multiplied and prolonged.

Just when I thought my tears had run out and that I was fully ready to move on with my life, this morning I heard Josh Groban's rendition of Michael Jackson's song She's Out of My Life. Sometimes a song touches you in a way that nothing is ever the same again. Forgive the Japaname.

After we broke up, I prayed that the Lord would put someone in my path that would lead me away from that relationship because I knew I was vulnerable and would go back. My prayer was answered and I was led to a wonderful man online at a critical time that I needed to know that everything was going to be okay. Although he turned out to not be the one, he gave me the joy and undeniable hope for the future that was so necessary for me to be able to pick myself up and keep going. I still count my precious moments with him as some of the most tender mercies of my life that provided me such needed strength and courage.

Breakups are difficult, especially with the ones we come to love. They are perhaps the greatest tests of life. They bring about the greatest pain measurable to man. Yet I know and I have seen for myself that the Lord prepares us for the greatest joy imaginable through our relationships and that in the end it will be worth it and we will ask, "Was that all that was required?"

I have been shown that the Lord has a specific plan for my life and he has led me to the resources that would give me the confidence to go for my dreams. He led me to a man that showed me the meaning of unconditional love and positive regard. I have seen the Lord's hand in the lives of the people that I love in bringing them together.

While I'm still waiting for my happily ever after, I am so overwhelmed with gratitude for the works the Lord has wrought by my feeble and unskillful hands that have been willing to serve. Somehow he miraculously lifts my burdens and hushes my fears when I reach outside of myself and 1) Trust in his plan, 2) Follow his plan, 3) Choose to be happy.

I have come to understand that without understanding true and total loneliness, I would have never been able to understand love and the worth of a soul at the level that I experience now. I can already say that it was all worth it. The world is now in full color. I have already been compensated.

I stand for your happiness and for your victory and my own. In the words of Ingrid Michaelson, everybody wants to be loved. No matter how hard and long the road, we will at last declare that it is finished and will be welcomed with open warm and loving arms to our Savior that will wipe our tears and say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."

I love you, God bless until my next post, and keep the faith!

To Live is to Play

We come into this life with a few inborn skills—to Breathe, to Smile, to Love, to Laugh, and to Play.

Robert Fulgum once said, “All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.”

Well, when I was in kindergarten, at home my playground was a bloody battlefield. Instead of playing Princess Tea Time, House, and Dress-Up, I played GI Jane, fleeing flying shrapnel while taking refuge in my sandbox of foxholes and trenches. I got to play real-life Cops and Robbers, Keep Away, and Hide and Go Seek. Life was an ongoing game of 52-Card Pickup and everywhere was Hot Lava, Hot Potatoes, and Dodgeball. BTW, you really need to watch this video:

Then God finally said, “Olly Olly Oxen Free!”

But still it just didn’t feel safe to come out of hiding. The war was over, but carnage everywhere, nowhere to call home, now a refugee. How does one find sanctuary from the war-torn country of one’s mind? God gave me an education, a job, friends I could call family, and eventually restoration of relationships with my family. But the PTSD.

War makes it hard to go back to ‘normal life’. Veteran Eddie Ray Routh was tormented with mental illness the day he shot American Sniper Chris Kyle. A whopping 17% of the homeless population are veterans and 96% of homeless veterans come from poor, disadvantaged communities. Both war abroad and war at home veterans. Double whammy.

At one point in our sojourn through life the terror of war raped us of the innocence and joy of play.

Although innocence can never be recovered, is it possible for a human to return to the joy of play equal to that of a child or greater?

I remembered when I was a child the excitement of going to Riverside, present-day Six Flags New England. I made a chart in pencil on an index card and crossed off every day, anticipating the Saturday we would go. I was devastated when it rained and our trip had to be postponed for another week.

I remember being filled with anticipation Christmas morning, bolting down the stairs, beholding the glory of tightly-wrapped presents under the tree with my name and only my name on them that were clearly not there the night before.

I remember the peace and joy of waking up in the family tent, smelling fresh pinewood, campfire, and coconut sunscreen, knowing the day would be filled with beachside fun, clamming, tide-pool exploring, and smore-making.

I remember Sunday afternoon walks around Elizabeth Park, holding my chocolates Dad gave me and savoring each one for every step of the way, walking up and down the rose garden.

I remember Asher, our sweet-spirited cocker spaniel, with his wagging stub of a tail and happy smile with drool spilling out of his mouth, taking a drive over the hills of Simsbury, where the now Hartford Temple will be dedicated this fall.

What happened to the anticipation, excitement, joy, peace, and pleasure that came so easily and freely to my human heart and how do I get it back?

Dad says I started to lose my joy at 5 years old.

Recently I took a group ziplining through the picturesque Rocky Mountains of Heber, Utah. The weather was perfect and there was no obvious reason for any kind of sullenness from the three beautiful triplet Puerto Rican preteen boys. I could see that something had stolen their joy. It was unnatural for all three of these boys to be so depressed so young. I wanted to look into their eyes and tell them it was safe to come out and play and enjoy, but I knew that it was not safe. They would go back to war as soon as they went back home. Must keep armor on.

“Amy, you look so sad. Smile!” “Amy, you must be depressed, smile!” “Amy, you’re so shy.” “Amy is reserved.” “Amy doesn’t like to talk very much.” “Be happy!” “Amy, do this.” “Amy, do that.”

“Amy, I don’t know if I’ll be able to let you into the choir. You’re not very expressive.” “Amy, you’re so quiet, I can’t hear you. You need to project more.” “Your voice is so monotone.” “Your face is like THIS: (dead stare)” “I didn’t want to be friends with you in high school; I thought you were so boring.”

Apparently I died way before my body died. Humans’ feeble attempts to revive me by telling me to smile, shaming me for being quiet and withdrawn, forcing me into self-expression, and other such behaviors felt like beating the dead horse, which was me. Only the love of God Almighty could reach into my soul and infuse the light of life back into me.

Singing was the first portal for my spirit to create life within me again. Then in high school I fell madly in love with a boy that made me laugh and so humor became access to my joy. In college, I took up acting, running, dancing. Then I found joy in learning Spanish, speaking, teaching, writing, and studying.

But it all felt like work. Work, work, work.

When I sang, it was work. “Amy, you’re pushing too hard. It sounds strained. Let go and free up your voice.”

First Voice Recital

When I danced, it was work. “Amy, you’re trying too hard. Just have fun and the you’ll remember the steps.”

First Dance Performance

When I acted, it was work. “Amy, you look so serious. Use more facial expressions.”

First Play

Everything I did was effortful, trying, push, shove, hard, stress, exhaustion, not good enough, needs

to be better. Flawless. Perfect. Perfection.

Even when I was trying to play, I was trying to play and it was work and it was hard.

“God, please show me how to simply play again?”

Years of perfect--trying to be perfect, anyway.

Then one day, out of the blue, the answer just came.

I was talking to a friend on the phone and I came to the understanding that it was my responsibility to choose play. I told her that I was committed to do something fun—fun for ME—every day, every day, every day. I wasn’t going to do anything to please anyone else or making anyone else happy. I wasn’t going to be happy for anyone else or smile for anyone else. But I was going to do something that I considered fun every day.

The next day I woke up, got in my car, and determined to find a trail to hike. I drove a very long, long time and found a hidden cul de sac with a hidden trail in Deer Valley. I started hiking and not before long I nearly ran into a mother moose and a baby moose! How fun was that!!?

The following days I went to a live band karaoke, country dancing several times, birthday parties, played a guitar, went hiking three times in two days, went swimming with friends. Then suddenly I received an email from a Destination Management Company in Park City asking me to work as a contractor, resulting in total joy and satisfaction in employment for the first time in my life, earning more than I have ever earned, doing what I love, which is planning and executing special events. Now I take corporate groups rafting, ziplining, painting, horseback riding, and golfing—having fun every day, every day, every day.

Spontaneously I thereafter attracted several men that I would have previously thought were totally out of my league. The angel voices in my head said, “Why NOT you? Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be!? You are a child of God. You’re smart, you’re fun, you’re worthy of someone amazing TOO!”  I woke up and realized I’ve been worthy all along; they’ve simply been waiting for me to come out and play.

The clouds have lifted and it is as if I am living instead of surviving for the first time in my life. I now see so many people living in survival mode with tired and sullen eyes, focused on war, terror, famine, and darkness and then I’ve discovered this whole other race of humans that are bright with light and joy that heal the world with love because they choose light, joy, and love every day, every day, every day, every day.

Kevin Trudeau said that the most important thing you can do is to “feel good now.” Play is a choice and  over time play instead of work can become an ‘unconscious competence’ as an adult.

Thomas Edison once said, “I never worked a day in my life. It was all fun.”

As for me, if I must choose between survival and death, I choose death, because survival is death of the spirit anyway. I want to live.

My mentor, Gary Acevedo, taught me, “To live is to play.”

I fell in love with Michael Jackson's personal favorite song "Smile" on Hope Floats, a telling tale of his own struggles:

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by if you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

The Curiosity Driven Life, the Flight of the Hummingbird

Over the past ten years, I've been a wilderness guide, actress, event planner, receptionist, musician, accountant, babysitter, gate agent, social worker. I've lived in Idaho, Arizona, Washington, DC, California, Utah, and I moved back and forth from those places several times. I noticed that I was almost following a migratory path. Worrisome. In the past two years I have been interested in 51 men--a pilot, a comedian, a millionaire, a mountain climber, a celebrity, a world traveler, a politician, a techie, a lawyer, a doctor--you know who you are.

At first, I relished and took pride in my exciting life of variety and adventure.

Role Player for National Guard Training

Martha in first production of Savior of the World, DC

"Flying" a commercial plane after landing

Chance meeting in San Antonio with Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, set is in the background

Baptism of Juana Martinez, healed of diabetes-induced blindness, believes in miracles, loves the Savior

Then I noticed my resume started looking a little choppy. I started to get worried. Would I be able to find a job? Am I doing something wrong here?

Excitement and pride turned into shame and embarrassment. I started to believe the voice in my head telling me I needed to "buckle down" and pick something, somewhere--SOMEBODY. Yet another voice, deeper down, continued to call me forth from here to there, from this thing to that thing, from this person to that person, back to that place again, back to that thing again, back to that person again--incessantly--CONSTANTLY--creating a state of continuous "chaos" in my life. Or so it seemed...

My one constant complaint for the last year of my life has been, "God, why did you MAKE ME like this!??" I felt so misunderstood. So completely. Totally. Alone.

"He hears my soul's complaint." (Where Can I Turn for Peace)

Could I not have some kind of peace of mind? Could I not just be like everyone else and "fit in" just even if only for the very sake of being able to make a living so that I didn't have to be scraping the bottom of the barrel all the time and hiding in shame and embarrassment?

Trust me, I've tried to be "normal", to avoid the social stigma of what I feel like others see as 'gypsy life', but "normal" has resulted in starting something, 'sticking with it', growing to HATE IT, my LIFE, mySELF, the PEOPLE IN MY LIFE--to the point that I quit or they quit me because I'm so miserable.

And then I watched Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love on SuperSoul TV, her talk called Flight of the Hummingbird--The Curiosity Driven Life. Watch the full talk on SuperSoul.tv: http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/elizabeth-gilbert-flight-hummingbird-curiosity

At last--I discovered that I was not the only person on the planet that had a clue how me works. What is interesting about this is that while I wish I would have found this years and years ago, I needed to walk this journey in accepting myself and my nature before I found any kind of validation. Recently I finally came to not worry about what other people's judgment of my life choices. It's as if I needed to complete that part of my journey before I received into my life others that understand and accept me the way I am, even if only through my computer screen.

I don't have a passion. I don't have one thing that rocks my world. I love everything. I love life itself and the great adventure that it is. I'm sorry, but I just can't pigeon-hole myself into the passion box you created for me, American specialist culture, and when you say I have to fit into it or else and that if I don't, I won't "make it" in life or in a "career", hear me when I say I don't WANT a "career" and I'm "making it" just FINE without your artificial measures of success!! That doesn't work to guilt-trip me like that, passion bullies. My "why" is just as good of a reason as yours is to have a passion. Cross-pollination. 

After 10 years of despair, frankly, I find solace in truly being validated for the first time ever for WHO I AM, HOW I LIVE MY LIFE, and HOW GOD MADE ME. I've been waiting for God to tell me to "buckle down" or to "commit" like everyone else and that never happened. Now I know why that's never going to happen. Because He made me like this for his purposes!! I never felt any guilt about my choices because I always felt directed by my Creator. I only felt guilt and pressure from society. I have always felt guided to every person, place, and duty in my life and that is all that has ever mattered to me. I've gone where He's wanted me to go and that's all I need to know.

I'm sorry if I sound defensive, but I defend the life God has given me from all of the Judgy McJudgersons that have wanted to tear me down and make me feel like there's something wrong with me throughout my life. I've had enough!! This is my fight song, take back my life song:

I'M PROUD TO LIVE THE CURIOSITY DRIVEN LIFE, THE FLIGHT OF THE HUMMINGBIRD. I'm proud to call myself a disciple of Christ.

"It may not be on the mountain’s height,
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go.

I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what You want me to be.

Perhaps today there are loving words
Which Jesus would have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin,
Some wand’rer whom I should seek;
O Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide,
Though dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo Thy message sweet,
I’ll say what You want me to say.

There’s surely somewhere a lowly place,
In earth’s harvest fields so white,
Where I may labor through life’s short day,
For Jesus the Crucified;
So trusting my all to Thy tender care,
And knowing Thou lovest me,
I’ll do Thy will with a heart sincere,
I’ll be what You want me to be."

May my other hummingbird friends find validation, strength, and courage to continue in their flight; I fly with you.