Fantasy, like a balloon, puffs its way to the top of the stratosphere--too innocent to know that it's not, in fact, an astronaut catapulting into the suns, moons, and stars--but a mere balloon, defeated by the gravity of reality like everything else in this world. Unable to escape the pressure of the gravity it so desires to conquer, it slowly loses its power of flight and plummets to the earth with surprisingly equal velocity that rose it to the heavens.
What good then is this spontaneous creation of the mind? Surely it is not a tool to self-torment, taunt, and torture the soul? When does fantasy become a dream maker--a tool of an infinitely powerful creator and god in embryo? How can fantasy satisfy and dreams become the genesis of the greatest tangible joy available to man?
These terrifyingly stark realizations that my experiences were not actually reality or fulfillment of these fantasies beg these existential questions.
Then at *other moments* (moments I call spontaneous fulfillment of desire, according to Deepak Chopra) seemingly inconsequential coincidences have proven to be the greatest answers to prayer, fulfillment of promises, and prove to be the hard, cold factual evidence that God does indeed care--he loves me, hears me, knows me, and wants me to be happy in the deepest way possible. Sudden and unexpected situations and people appear mysteriously and open up worlds of wonder and opportunities to learn, grow, and progress.
Recently in my career I've had the experience of feeling like God gave me a million dollars and told me he would mentor me on how to use it. Suddenly I have everything I need and want in this one area of my life and there is no possible way to complain. I would certainly be an ingrate to take any of it for granted. In an unexpected corner of the universe I found everything I've ever wanted in a moment, without any apparent cause or deserving on my part. The random and improbable fulfillment of my hope for years and years has come upon me and my aching, yearning, hoping, desiring, and longing for a job that is fulfilling and satisfying is abruptly over for no apparent reason other than it was "time". Why has this miracle suddenly occurred in my life at this time and not at an earlier time, another place, or another employer?
Why in these other areas of my life (particularly in the area of love and family) do I remain unfulfilled, unsatisfied? There doesn't seem to be rhyme or reason as to what has brought about my greatest and most fulfilling life experiences other than something to do with God's will and timing.
Thus I am left to think that God's timing is almost entirely unpredictable and unknowable to me--right now--anyway. I find myself fumbling around God's master control trying to find the right dials, knobs, and buttons to make things happen in my life, but I am not the master operator and actually have no training whatsoever in orchestrating my own life and being my own god. I would be just as clueless stepping into the cockpit of a 747, ready to crash and kill myself and everyone else on board upon lift off.
I am left to conclude that there is nothing left to do other than to trust that everything is going according to plan. Perhaps at no other time in my life have I felt so compelled to believe that there is no other way other than through and through means trusting. Through means letting go of any of my expectations of how I think my life is "supposed" to go.
While it has appeared far too terrifying to trust and to let go of that little piece of control I thought I had, it is much, much more terrifying to think about not letting go and remaining forever in button land, trying to figure out the secret code and combination of maneuvers to get things to "work" in my life. This has proven futile.
They say for everyone there's going to be something that drives you to your knees. That something for me has kept me knee-calloused for years, but I'm ready to get up off my knees and to just start walking, REALLY walking--knowing that God does actually care about me and my happiness and that things will not always be the way they are now.
The question boils down to this for me:
Do you or do you not believe that God keeps his promises? Do you or do you not believe that Christ suffered in Gethsemane and died on the cross specifically for you?
In moments of despair and confusion I forget that I do believe that God fulfills his promises and I do believe that Christ suffered for me and my ultimate happiness.
Then it's all worth it, isn't it?
The moment that fantasy becomes reality is the moment of satisfaction and fulfillment. The reality is that God does love me and that's a reality I cherish evey day of my life. I have experienced this many times and so I know it goes, despite the fact that I remain waiting for my greatest hopes and desires to be fulfilled.
Back to the balloon--maybe it's still a balloon. But the problem with never taking the balloon to the top again is that you never know if it's a balloon or a rocket ship until it gets to the top and breaks through the atmosphere. I had no idea that a simple job application (one of literally thousands and thousands over many years) would result into skyrocketing me into the most beautiful journey of my life in my personal contribution to society. I also had no idea that my last choice college, BYU-Idaho, would be the ideal and perfect fertile soil for me to heal and to learn. I also had no idea that visiting just one more booth at the internship fair would lead me to the Anasazi Foundation, which perhaps the most profound experience of my life up to this point.
You never know where just one more date or one more doctor's appointment or one more business idea may take you.
You never know that just one more attempt can turn a dream into a reality that is worth everything you have ever been willing to sacrifice.
This I strive to believe as I walk with you together, uncertain of the bleary future ahead.
