At first, I relished and took pride in my exciting life of variety and adventure.
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| Role Player for National Guard Training |
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| Martha in first production of Savior of the World, DC |
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| "Flying" a commercial plane after landing |
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| Chance meeting in San Antonio with Chris Harrison, host of The Bachelor, set is in the background |
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| Baptism of Juana Martinez, healed of diabetes-induced blindness, believes in miracles, loves the Savior |
Then I noticed my resume started looking a little choppy. I started to get worried. Would I be able to find a job? Am I doing something wrong here?
Excitement and pride turned into shame and embarrassment. I started to believe the voice in my head telling me I needed to "buckle down" and pick something, somewhere--SOMEBODY. Yet another voice, deeper down, continued to call me forth from here to there, from this thing to that thing, from this person to that person, back to that place again, back to that thing again, back to that person again--incessantly--CONSTANTLY--creating a state of continuous "chaos" in my life. Or so it seemed...
My one constant complaint for the last year of my life has been, "God, why did you MAKE ME like this!??" I felt so misunderstood. So completely. Totally. Alone.
"He hears my soul's complaint." (Where Can I Turn for Peace)
Could I not have some kind of peace of mind? Could I not just be like everyone else and "fit in" just even if only for the very sake of being able to make a living so that I didn't have to be scraping the bottom of the barrel all the time and hiding in shame and embarrassment?
Trust me, I've tried to be "normal", to avoid the social stigma of what I feel like others see as 'gypsy life', but "normal" has resulted in starting something, 'sticking with it', growing to HATE IT, my LIFE, mySELF, the PEOPLE IN MY LIFE--to the point that I quit or they quit me because I'm so miserable.
And then I watched Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love on SuperSoul TV, her talk called Flight of the Hummingbird--The Curiosity Driven Life. Watch the full talk on SuperSoul.tv: http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/elizabeth-gilbert-flight-hummingbird-curiosity
At last--I discovered that I was not the only person on the planet that had a clue how me works. What is interesting about this is that while I wish I would have found this years and years ago, I needed to walk this journey in accepting myself and my nature before I found any kind of validation. Recently I finally came to not worry about what other people's judgment of my life choices. It's as if I needed to complete that part of my journey before I received into my life others that understand and accept me the way I am, even if only through my computer screen.
I don't have a passion. I don't have one thing that rocks my world. I love everything. I love life itself and the great adventure that it is. I'm sorry, but I just can't pigeon-hole myself into the passion box you created for me, American specialist culture, and when you say I have to fit into it or else and that if I don't, I won't "make it" in life or in a "career", hear me when I say I don't WANT a "career" and I'm "making it" just FINE without your artificial measures of success!! That doesn't work to guilt-trip me like that, passion bullies. My "why" is just as good of a reason as yours is to have a passion. Cross-pollination.
After 10 years of despair, frankly, I find solace in truly being validated for the first time ever for WHO I AM, HOW I LIVE MY LIFE, and HOW GOD MADE ME. I've been waiting for God to tell me to "buckle down" or to "commit" like everyone else and that never happened. Now I know why that's never going to happen. Because He made me like this for his purposes!! I never felt any guilt about my choices because I always felt directed by my Creator. I only felt guilt and pressure from society. I have always felt guided to every person, place, and duty in my life and that is all that has ever mattered to me. I've gone where He's wanted me to go and that's all I need to know.
I'm sorry if I sound defensive, but I defend the life God has given me from all of the Judgy McJudgersons that have wanted to tear me down and make me feel like there's something wrong with me throughout my life. I've had enough!! This is my fight song, take back my life song:
I'M PROUD TO LIVE THE CURIOSITY DRIVEN LIFE, THE FLIGHT OF THE HUMMINGBIRD. I'm proud to call myself a disciple of Christ.
"It may not be on the mountain’s height,
Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,
My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls,
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
I’ll go where You want me to go.
I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what You want me to be.
Perhaps today there are loving words
Which Jesus would have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin,
Some wand’rer whom I should seek;
O Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide,
Though dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo Thy message sweet,
I’ll say what You want me to say.
There’s surely somewhere a lowly place,
In earth’s harvest fields so white,
Where I may labor through life’s short day,
For Jesus the Crucified;
So trusting my all to Thy tender care,
And knowing Thou lovest me,
I’ll do Thy will with a heart sincere,
I’ll be what You want me to be."
May my other hummingbird friends find validation, strength, and courage to continue in their flight; I fly with you.
