Recently I have been experiencing mild chest pain in the area around my heart. I have tried to not be alarmed, but as I have researched the causes of chest pain, I have found very few explanations that are comforting in any way. I have never had any serious health problems, so this is something that is new and surprising to me.
My boyfriend is a pilot and I flew with him to San Antonio and back a few days ago. I felt very secure knowing that someone that cared about me and knew me was in charge of getting me to my destination safely.
On the flight home, we encountered "wind shear", which is a change in wind speed or and/or direction within a short distance, according to the FAA.
On the flight home, we encountered "wind shear", which is a change in wind speed or and/or direction within a short distance, according to the FAA.
Chaos in the sky, right?
I have always been an adrenaline junkie. I love roller coasters, snowboarding, rock climbing, wakeboarding, backpacking, skydiving, traveling alone, and other various high-risk activities.
But I have never been fond of turbulence. Turbulence makes me feel totally out of control. I feel like I am at the mercy of nature. Nature can be awe-inspiring and majestic, but it can also be omnipotent and terrifying. Somehow I feel like I still maintain control if I am strapped to a supposedly secure device or if I have the ability to walk away at any time. But no, no, I do not have this comfort in turbulence.
Perhaps others surrender to a sense of total helplessness when they fall in love or become parents for the first time. Some people feel like they are losing control when they get fired or have to face the death of a family member. I lost control in the back of a United Airlines CRJ-700, feeling like I was about to plummet towards my death.
My boyfriend, the pilot, later told me that wind shear is not common and it is dangerous, but it can be easily averted and the aircraft can be guided into safety without any problems. A person may fly and experience wind shear once in his or her lifetime.
Nonetheless, as a passenger, it is a horrifying experience. While I was rehearsing in my mind what I needed to do to exit the plane in an emergency landing, the woman next to me was getting ready to vomit. Other passengers were gripping their armrests, offering silent prayers, and nervously cracking jokes about how the pilot needed more practice. There is nothing that can intensify chest pain or put you at risk for heart failure than feeling like you are going to die.
But I knew the pilot.
Lessons from Wind Shear
For many years I blamed God, others, circumstances, and myself for all the bad things that happened to me. It was easier to assign responsibility than to face the challenges. Maybe if I could blame someone or something for my problems, I could annihilate the source so I didn't have to have problems anymore.
Unfortunately this strategy proved to be totally fruitless. It was easy to at least blame everything on God because I knew he could take it and I knew he wouldn't mind. I knew that he loved me and if I had to blame him for everything, he would forgive me and understand. I was so focused on blaming and on getting rid of my problems, I was missing the adventure. I wanted God to be tame, and when he wouldn't comply with my demands to feel protected from life, I threw a fit and pouted.
Apparently God is a dangerous God. He is wild at heart (Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret to a Man's Soul, John Eldridge). He created the Earth with blowing winds, rushing water, raging fire, shifting earth. He made the tornado, hurricane, tsunami, earthquake, volcano. He endowed the land and sea with the lion, bear, giant squid, hippopotamus, African buffalo, crocodile, great blue whale, cougar, and great white shark.
But there are scarier things to me in life than great white sharks, despite my recurring nightmares due to my incessant watching of Jaws growing up. I fear never getting married and being alone the rest of my life or getting married and having to get a divorce. I fear never producing a life's work and feeling like all of my efforts were in vain. I fear that I will starve and not be able to provide for myself. There are so many "wind shears" that frighten me so much more than Mother Nature in all of her terror and glory. But they are subtle fears--quiet fears--than when pressed to the back of my mind for long enough, create stress that deteriorates the mind and deteriorates the heart. Acute or subtle, fear leads to failing hearts.
Unfortunately this strategy proved to be totally fruitless. It was easy to at least blame everything on God because I knew he could take it and I knew he wouldn't mind. I knew that he loved me and if I had to blame him for everything, he would forgive me and understand. I was so focused on blaming and on getting rid of my problems, I was missing the adventure. I wanted God to be tame, and when he wouldn't comply with my demands to feel protected from life, I threw a fit and pouted.
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| A great white shark off the South African coast. Photograph: Brandon Cole/Getty |
But there are scarier things to me in life than great white sharks, despite my recurring nightmares due to my incessant watching of Jaws growing up. I fear never getting married and being alone the rest of my life or getting married and having to get a divorce. I fear never producing a life's work and feeling like all of my efforts were in vain. I fear that I will starve and not be able to provide for myself. There are so many "wind shears" that frighten me so much more than Mother Nature in all of her terror and glory. But they are subtle fears--quiet fears--than when pressed to the back of my mind for long enough, create stress that deteriorates the mind and deteriorates the heart. Acute or subtle, fear leads to failing hearts.
I thought that I was a risk-taker, but God is the biggest risk-taker of all. He sent us down to Earth, knowing that many of us would never make it back home. He threw caution to the wind and lavishly clothed us with magnificent bodies that we would abuse, misuse, and neglect daily. He let us spiritual toddlers play with the china and gave man the authority of the priesthood, or the authority to act in his name. And most daring of all, he sent his Son, to suffer and die for us, risking that we may never appreciate or accept the gift of his sacrifice or the love he offers so freely.
When I am praying for safety and protection--when I am asking for solutions to my problems--am I requesting to be relieved of my post and released from my quest?
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| We Will Survive Together by Mr-Ripley |
Is it worth fighting against the wind shears, the great whites, the loneliness, the emptiness, the fear, the fatigue? Is it worth risking the chance that, like a seafaring fisherman, I may not make it back? Is the danger of the Odyssey worth an eternity with Penelope?
The answer is in the fact that I know the pilot.
If my boyfriend, someone that cares about me so much, would do anything to keep me safe in a turbulent airplane ride, how much more would the pilot of my life, my God, the father of my spirit, do to save my life and ensure that I arrive at my ultimate destination? He does not want me to feel frightened or terrorized by my earthly experiences. He wants me to embrace the adventure and know that he is in charge and he is going to get me to where I need to go, no matter what.
"37 And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.The pilot of my life created me, knows me, and loves me infinitely and perfectly. He has the power to calm any wind and any turbulence. But he won't, because he knows I love the thrill and that I would forever regret calmed seas. He is the greatest adventure. He is the wild at heart.
38 And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
39 And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
40 And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?
41 And they feared exceedingly, and said one to another, What manner of man is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" Mark 4
Over life's tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treach'rous shoal.
Chart and compass came from thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boist'rous waves obey thy will
When thou say'st to them, "Be still!"
Wondrous Sov'reign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on thy breast,
May I hear thee say to me,
"Fear not; I will pilot thee."
